I'm friends with all my exes. Whenever I fight with my current girlfriend, I turn to them for advice.

• I always felt disconnected from the idea that exes must be threatening or that you can't like them.
• When my relationships end, I always keep the friendship intact.

I grew up hearing that ex-partners were best left alone. Exes were supposed to be relegated to the past and sometimes even be seen as a threat to new relationships. When my first relationship ended, I learned how untrue these ideas could be in practice.

Of course, I'm not talking about toxic or abusive exes: Those should be put in a box labeled "lessons learned." But I've been lucky to have relationships that ended amicably. Once I've had time to recover and find myself, I try to reconnect with my exes as friends and learn from them.

My relationships started and ended as friendships

Maintaining friendships after dating came easily to me because I've only dated people I could also be close friends with. I'm quite introverted and gravitate toward people who don't emotionally drain me. My relationships all started from a place of heartfelt sharing and comfort.

After the dust settles and we've had some space, I usually reach out to meet up. With their consent, we talk about the elephant in the room: the breakup. We discuss all the feelings we went through and talk about where we're headed. I've been lucky to have communicative partners who are willing to debrief with me.

I learned that keeping a friendship after a breakup can be good for everyone's well-being

Serious connections rarely end with a breakup, but usually take on a more painful form. We still must interact as things wind down: stuff needs to be moved, and living arrangements need to be changed. If my ex was my best friend — as my first partner was — cutting someone out means losing a pillar of support.

Sometimes, the ideal friend to have during a breakup isthat same ex. It made sense to me when my first relationship ended. She was going through the same thing as me, and she knew me better than anyone else. Our two-year relationship couldn't be willed away. There's a time and a place to put distance between us and our exes, but it's also possible to work through a breakup together.

Staying friends has also given me a better view of future relationships

The end of my second serious relationship was my fault: I was overbearing and unable to give my partner the space she wanted, which pushed her away. I only learned that truth because we stayed friends and discussed it afterward. I was lucky enough to be able to have those kinds of talks so that I didn't repeat the same errors later with others.

They also protect me. When I need advice after a fight or a fresh opinion about dating, I go to my exes. Who else knows my behavior in relationships better? Their advice is well-informed and honest. They don't pull punches — just like any reliable friend wouldn't.

This network of loved ones makes me feel supported

My current girlfriend is acquainted with both of my serious exes and has met a few of my casual partners. Whenever one of them is in town, I make a point of grabbing lunch and catching up.