- Jules was diagnosed with schizophrenia at 19.
- She has seen often-scary hallucinations since she was 14.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Jules, an advocate with Live Your PosSCZible. For privacy reasons, she asked to omit her last name. It has been edited for length and clarity.
One day, when I was 14, I was lying on an air mattress in my Manhattan apartment when I saw a woman. She had red hair and held a box of Cheez-Its, and I just knew that her name was Amy.
I was very afraid. I had recently watched "A Beautiful Mind," the story of mathematician John Nash, who was a brilliant man with schizophrenia. I was freaking out because I realized I was experiencing the same thing.
I didn't tell anyone. Instead, I attended high school every day across from Columbia University. I watched the college students, wanting to be them so badly. Yet my hallucinations made me feel like I'd never be able to walk into Columbia's halls.
I had terrifying hallucinations and refused to use technology
For four years, I tried to keep my hallucinations secret. That was very difficult because one of them was a terrifying evil entity named Evan. Evan was a half bird, half man. He would try to rip my skin off. I saw him in the corner of my room most days and also saw severed heads on the floor. I lived in fear from the time I was 14 until I was 16, which was when I stopped seeing Evan.
Although Evan was gone, my symptoms became so much more obvious between the ages of 17 and 19. I was just laying around at home, talking to things that weren't there. I had cognitive decline, and keeping up with schoolwork became very difficult.
I developed a belief that I couldn't use any electronics because they would destroy a vital chemical that was only found within my body. For five years, I didn't use a television or computer, making homework almost impossible. At first, I couldn't use a phone either, but I eventually taught myself to overcome that fear. I typed all my college applications on a phone because I couldn't use a computer.
After my diagnosis, I found other students with schizophrenia
I graduated high school in 2020, but by then, my parents knew something was wrong. They took me to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with schizophrenia. I already knew that I had the disease, but hearing it from a professional was jarring.
My parents were very supportive. They told me how resilient I was. Yet I still didn't feel like I could talk with anyone about my hallucinations. I didn't want to be labeled a freak.
That changed when I found an organization called Students with Psychosis on Instagram. Connecting with other college students who had hallucinations made me realize that my experience wasn't isolated. It gave me the freedom to talk to someone who wasn't a mental health professional about what I was experiencing.
I moved to college but couldn't leave my dorm
I had planned to go to college after graduation, but COVID and my diagnosis delayed my departure. After taking a semester off, I enrolled at a college in Connecticut in January 2021. I moved into the dorms and signed up for classes.
Being away from home was extremely hard for me. My hallucinations told me that if I left my dorm, I'd be hit by a truck, and nothing would be left of me. On the sixth day, I called my mom. She moved into a hotel room where we lived together for the semester.
I finished the semester with a 4.0 GPA, but it took so much out of me. Looking back, I wish I hadn't pushed myself so hard.
I enrolled at Columbia, but I still live with hallucinations
After that semester, I moved home and applied to be a visiting student at Columbia University. I took art and psychology classes, and then I applied to become an official student in the general studies program. I was accepted and started that program this fall.
I take my studies very slowly. I'm only taking one class this semester. Reading and studying are very challenging because my hallucinations are always present. Almost constantly, I see seven lemons and three eels.
Luckily, my treatments have helped me get rid of the personified hallucinations, like Amy and Evan, who were even more disruptive. Still, I have good and bad days, and sometimes I can't make it to class.
My schizophrenia is treatment-resistant, which means I'll probably always have some symptoms. I have to live with them. If I fight against them, it just takes more out of me.
Right now, my dreams and goals are manifesting. I will get my degree. It might take me longer than most, but that's OK with me.