I'm a queer uncle, and I recently bought my niece a princess dress. I'm worried I'm pushing gender norms onto her.
- Growing up, I always felt gender norms were pushed on me, and it really confused me.
- I bought my niece a princess dress, and I'm worried I'm also pushing gender norms on her.
As a young kid, I fervently believed in two things: one, there was a secret world hidden in my Nana's house, and two, I wasn't really a boy.
Little me was effeminate, quiet, and fiercely loyal to Barbie. I wanted to wear my hair long and be decked out in a Union Jack minidress like Geri Halliwell at the 1997 Brit Awards. Every night, I lay in bed, crossing my fingers and wishing that I would wake up as a girl.
Eventually, I realized I am queer. But now that I'm an uncle, I'm worried I'm pushing gender norms on my niece.
I found a way to be the person I was always meant to be
When I came out as queer at 16, I became more comfortable in my boy skin. The confusion lay in the fact I fancied men — which I had been brainwashed to think was just for girls.
As a kid in the 1990s and early 2000s, it felt like gender norms were always being pushed on me. TV commercials trying to sell toys reinforced the idea that little girls played with one thing and boys another. What if I wanted the doll and couldn't care less about cars? Being at school was also suffocating; I was made to feel like a freak for not playing soccer.
Luckily my parents were great and let me play with what I wanted, but the outside world was always there, trying to box me in.
Escaping the confines of gender has been challenging, and now I have to go through it all over again with my niece.
From the moment my niece was born, I was reminded of the gender binary
My sister has a daughter whom I adore. When she was born last summer, I shopped around for a "happy arrival" card. It was frustrating. No matter what store I went to, the cards were either pink for girls or blue for boys.
At that moment, I was reminded of how much emphasis is placed on the sex you're assigned at birth — and how early that pressure starts. I was angry, and the feeling was familiar. It was the same feeling I got while watching those TV commercials as a kid. Society still believes girls should like pink and boys should like blue.
But I'm in my mid-30s now and I'm more empowered and confident than I've ever been. I have devoted my life to championing individuality. After the card fiasco, I decided I wanted to instill this same mentality into my niece, hoping to also empower her as she grows up.
But then I bought her a princess dress
As she has grown and developed a personality, I've found myself drifting over to the dark side: buying her something pretty because she's a girl.
This summer, I decided to buy her a Disney princess dress for her first birthday. I thought she'd look devastatingly cute in it. But when I took a step back, I wondered if I was failing her. Was I just pushing more toxic gender stereotypes onto her? What if she didn't want to wear a dress?
Because she's so young, she didn't really react much to the dress, preferring to instead play with all of the torn wrapping paper. She hasn't worn it yet, but she's saving it for a birthday party that's coming up. I can't help it; I'm excited to see her in it.
I now realize it's difficult to avoid gender stereotypes, but that doesn't mean I'm failing my niece
Since buying the princess dress, I've considered my own battles with identity and gender. Am I just projecting the aesthetic I was denied as a kid onto my niece? Perhaps. I've also rechecked my perception of manhood and considered whether I would have bought a nephew the same outfit. I like to think I would have, but I just don't know.
Ultimately, I think I am doing what I can. Is a princess dress harmful? It's more nuanced than that. I'll enjoy how cute she looks, but I'll use all that I've learned and experienced not to make "cute" or "pretty" her whole identity. I only have so much power as an uncle, but mark my words, I'll do all I can to help her be an empowered person.