I'm a NICU doctor. Here are the 7 things I want parents of NICU babies to know.

• Ann L. Anderson Berry has been a NICU doctor since 2004.
• Her team cares for the tickets and most critical infants in the surrounding regions.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Ann L. Anderson Berry. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

Most parents never expect to have a NICU stay. But for families whose babies end up needing intensive care following birth, their first days of parenting suddenly become medicalized. When I first meet with families, I talk with them about a handful of things to prepare them for the weeks and months they might be in back and forth in the hospital with their babies.

Here's what I recommend families do when dealing with a NICU stay.

Write everything down

When a parent comes into the NICU, they are going to be overwhelmed and may not remember what they've been told by medical staff. Doctors and nurses will introduce themselves and list medical terms they've never heard of. So I suggest that parents make their own medical journals for their babies. Write everything down as you understand it.

For example, if I came on rounds and told you my name, that your baby has premature lungs we call respiratory distress syndrome, that we have had to put a breathing tube in and are now giving your baby surfactant, and that we think your baby will be here for two months — write all of that down. Then you can refer back to that when you are unsure of what is going on.

Ask all the questions

You are entrusting us with the most precious thing in your life. You've just torn your whole heart out and put it in that crib for me to take care of. That first day in NICU may feel like the worst in your life. And because of all this, we want to work together to help you understand what is going on.

Parents with their babies in the NICU are often in shock, especially in the beginning. It's a lot to handle, and you may not be clear about what is happening with your baby. Do not be afraid to ask the medical team over and over again. There is no need for you to feel dumb or that you should understand the first time something is told to you. We're not judging you. So ask as many questions as you need.

We expect that parents will browse Google for information and answers, but we'd ask that whatever is found be brought back to the medical for questioning. Process what you've found out with someone who knows your specific case.

Understand the timeline of a NICU stay

The first high-stress point is going to be at admission. Everything is new. The baby is getting stabilized and transitioning from the uterus to the NICU environment.

Then there is a bit of a lull when the acuity is gone, and it's just a time to hold the baby and watch them grow.

The last and possibly most stressful part of hospitalization is the end. The baby might not be meeting all the developmental milestones for discharge, but they are full-size, with chubby cheeks and sleeping routines. This is when we see a lot of stress building because parents want to get their babies home, but the baby isn't quite ready.

Focus on self-care

This is a marathon, not a sprint, so taking care of yourselves as parents is vital.

I remind moms on admission that their primary job is to eat, drink, sleep, and, if she chooses, to pump breastmilk. The partner's primary job is to help support her in those activities.

If parents are taking care of themselves, they will be able to parent better at the baby's bedside. If parents are staring at their baby 24/7, there is going to be a deterioration in the parent's health and a deterioration in the relationship between the parents.

Once you find out when you can be present to help with the care of your baby — usually between 4 and 8 times a day — schedule your own care around those routine visits.

As discharge draws closer, I encourage parents to think of the nurses as babysitters for a date night out.

Take part in caring for your baby

We want parents to feel like parents. Even though their babies are in a medicalized environment, there are things parents can do so they feel empowered as carers. Things like changing the diaper, feeding, and taking the baby's temperature. We are there to guide parents through it, as working around the NICU environment could be intimidating.

Babies have more stable vital signs when they are doing skin-to-skin care, also called kangaroo care. It helps to regulate their temperature. But it is also important for the parent's well-being and breastmilk production.

Our babies' brains are always growing and developing, so much of that is around language. We love when parents speak and sing to their babies in their native language.

Singing and reading to your baby is also a way to bond early on, normalizing the parenting experience through music and books.

Accept help

If someone asks to set up a meal train, say yes. If someone says they can do your laundry, say yes. If someone says they can dog-sit, say yes. Just say yes. Because the more responsibility that if off your plate, is more time you have to spend with your baby.

Take lots of photos

Remember the early days of your baby's life, even if it is in the NICU. It's a rich experience to look back on. Every minute in the NICU is really long, but then all of a sudden, your baby is grown up, strong, and wonderful. It's therapeutic to remember those days, and how you and your baby made it through. This too shall pass.