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I'm a mom in my 30s who asked a 91-year-old man for a coffee date. He became one of my best friends.

Nov 27, 2023, 21:02 IST
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The author and her friend Bryan.Courtesy of the author
  • One day a few years ago, a stranger struck up a conversation with me at a bakery.
  • I asked him to have coffee with me, even though I'd ordinarily never do something like that.
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I was about to sit down for a coffee at our local bakery when a stranger struck up a conversation with me. He was friendly, charismatic, and had a wicked smile, so I decided to do something I'd never ordinarily do.

I asked him to join me for a coffee and a piece of cake. At first, he said he couldn't possibly, but it didn't take long to convince him.

In another scenario, it might have seemed scandalous — a married mother of three asking a random man to share a treat with her. But in this scenario, it wasn't.

You see, this man, Bryan, was 91 years young. I was 34 years old at the time, and we had an age difference of 57 years.

Bryan and I quickly became close friends despite our age difference

As we sat in the sunshine chatting about the day's news, I asked Bryan to tell me about himself.

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He told me he was writing a book and that he recently went for a ride in a Cessna, a small, single-engine aircraft. While I was talking to him, I found myself blown away by his passion for life.

Bryan proved to be a great conversationalist and asked me about my life while sharing his own insights. I found his company to be extremely interesting.

Instead of talking about somewhat mindless topics such as television shows, we chatted about life after death and sexuality. We discussed the impact of religion, natural disasters, up-and-coming comedians, and whether money equates to happiness.

As our coffee date came to an end, I asked Bryan for his number. Again, I would never normally be so forward, but this encounter felt special. And so began a beautiful friendship.

When I introduced Bryan to my husband, he was equally drawn in. Bryan felt like family straight away. His wife and son had both died, and he lived alone. Luckily, his house was close by (we've since moved), so he was able to whiz over on his mobility scooter for a coffee or breakfast every now and then.

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Sometimes, he would bring treasures from the past, such as an autograph book signed by US soldiers visiting where we lived in Melbourne, Australia, during WWII. My children loved listening to his colorful stories and hearing him chuckle.

Ageism often prevents friendships like ours

Ageism has become ingrained in our culture — it's a form of prejudice or discrimination against older people based on inaccurate stereotypes. Substantial research has shown the effects of ageism on older adults, particularly with respect to the care they receive in the medical system and their interactions in the workplace.

People of all ages show bias against older adults, though the way they express it changes with age. Among younger people, the preference for other young adults is more explicit, while in older adults, that preference becomes more implicit.

The thing is, older people have so much to offer, especially in a friendship. The research backs up my personal experience — intergenerational friendships offer all sorts of benefits.

A 2021 paper by researchers at Tampere University, Finland, and Trinity College Dublin entitled "Intergenerational Friendship as a Conduit for Social Inclusion? Insights from the 'Book-Ends'" looked at friendships between people from different generational cohorts. Both young and older participants said they agreed intergenerational friends offered company, fun, and enjoyment in unexpected ways.

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One of the things I love about Bryan is that we can have conversations on a deeper level. He recently asked me why I thought he lived such a happy and contented life. After much thought, I said I believed it was because he was grateful for what he had, placed more value on human connection than material things, and had a very positive, young-at-heart attitude.

We've known each other for four years, and he's one of my closest friends

It's been four years since I struck up a friendship with Bryan, and I am so grateful I did. He has proven to be a true friend, someone I can always count on to be there for the good times and the bad. When my husband's business was closed during the pandemic lockdowns, Bryan was a pillar of support. When my four-year-old daughter had her tonsils removed recently, he sent well wishes and regularly checked in. I can always turn to Bryan for wisdom or a much-needed laugh when life gets me down.

Our family has since moved from Melbourne to a small regional town in country Victoria. Bryan and I still chat most weeks on the phone, and I always enjoy hearing his news. He sends me photos of his beautiful garden and snaps of our old neighborhood, while I send him photos of our kids enjoying country life.

If you're open to making new friends — the kind who uplift you and offer stimulating conversation, humor, and shared interests — I recommend you find yourself a Bryan. You'll soon discover that age really is just a number.

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