- When my child was 2, I got accidentally pregnant again.
- At 10 weeks pregnant, I had a miscarriage and felt helpless.
With my first baby, pregnancy and childbirth were relatively smooth. Although I was already a stepmom, I loved becoming the mom of a baby. I loved taking him for long walks, singing with him, and making fresh baby food. I even liked changing his diaper. My transition to motherhood was easy and joyful.
When my baby was 2 years old, I was overjoyed to realize that I was pregnant again. The pregnancy was unplanned, but my husband and I were excited. We were already in the process of moving to a bigger space, and it was thrilling to say, "This will be the new baby's room."
Something went wrong
While I was busy envisioning our life with a new baby, my excitement was abruptly taken away. One morning, I started spotting. In the afternoon, I went to the emergency room.
A kind doctor performed an ultrasound. The beautiful form of my baby appeared on the screen, and the doctor confirmed that there was a heartbeat. She scheduled a follow-up for the next day and told me to go home and rest.
My bleeding only intensified in the night. The next day, the baby's form no longer appeared on the ultrasound screen. At 10 weeks pregnant, I had suffered a miscarriage.
I was heartbroken
When I told the news to my close friends and family, I kept saying, "I feel like someone died."
Someone had died, a very tiny person, but I was surprised by my level of grief. My friend suggested that I write a letter to the baby, and it helped a lot. Still, for the remainder of what would have been the pregnancy, I felt that I was forgetting something. I would wake up in the night with a feeling that something was wrong. I cried more easily than usual. I had lost the baby, and my heart was trying to recover.
I understand why people immediately try again after losing a baby. I felt helpless when I had the miscarriage: I wished there was something I could do to make the pregnancy stick. I also worried that I would not be able to have another baby. A new pregnancy would have eased some of my sad feelings.
However, our lost baby was unplanned, and the timing was tricky. We needed to move because our building was being torn down. I was trying to finish my teaching degree. I was looking for a new job. My husband's work was time-consuming and stressful. I told myself that we would try again, but not right now.
My mom gave me the push I needed
Months went by. We moved. I took a break from school and started a new job. I lit a candle on the baby's due date. My first baby turned 3. Soon, a year had passed since the miscarriage, then a year and a half.
One day, my mom gently asked if my husband and I were planning to have more kids. I wanted another baby, but the timing still did not feel right. Our house needed repairs. I had been at my new job for only a year. I had not finished my degree. I explained these reasons to my mom, thinking she would agree with my logic. Instead, she simply shrugged her shoulders and said, "I think you should try sooner rather than later."
My mom is a sensible person, and her response surprised me. I realize now that she could see that my explanations were just excuses. I was scared to try again. I was scared to relive the sad day when I lost the baby.
Family planning is personal, but I am grateful that my mom gave me a gentle push toward trying again. Ten months later, my son was born.