I was in a relationship with a 34-year gap. It worked because I couldn't have children.
- I'm 44 and until recently was married to a 78-year-old man.
- Our relationship worked because I didn't want or had any children.
I married a gentleman near my age when I was 21, and we began planning a family. That's what young married couples are expected to do. Right? It seemed to be the norm at that time, especially in the region I come from.
When I say that we "planned," I mean that we tried to conceive. We did not discuss finances or the future, parenting strategies, or any other important topics. We were in love, and that was what mattered.
A second line on the test never appeared, so I went to the gynecologist. After many tests and exploratory surgeries, I had a hysterectomy at age 25. I was clinically depressed. I couldn't fulfill my obligation as a woman. I couldn't give my mother grandchildren.
Two years later, I was a divorced alcoholic and drug addict. For the next 12 years, my alcoholism and addiction progressed exponentially. I can only speculate on the trauma that I would have caused a child had I been able to give birth. I am not the type of person that motherhood would have been a reason to stop drinking or doing drugs.
I'm sober now and grateful I couldn't have kids
Now, I am 44 and have been sober for four and a half years. Sobriety has caused me to do a lot of self-reflection. I have realized just how selfish I am. I am not the one who would be happy to get a kid out of bed every morning for 13 years, make breakfast, pack a lunch, and see them off to school. I'm uptight and can't tolerate much nonsense. I think about myself most of the time. I'm obsessive and compulsive. Get on board or get out of the way.
All of that may sound harsh. I've learned to be honest in sobriety, and every bit of it is true. I am beyond grateful that I was not able to have children. I am most grateful for the fact that I never put a child through the horrors that I am confident would have occurred.
I married a man 34 years older than me
I met my now ex-husband four years ago in a 12-step fellowship when I was just recovering.
I wouldn't be where I am today if I'd given birth. My 78-year-old ex-husband has two daughters (56 and 55) and a son (47). He raised his children long ago and is too old to start over. Our relationship wouldn't have worked if I had a teenager or a young child.
He retired many years ago, and I freelance so I can work from anywhere. We were able to travel and do whatever our hearts desired. We could eat what we wanted when we wanted or not at all. We sometimes lived on a steady diet of breakfast cereal and french fries.
We spent money on what we wanted. We needed two refrigerators, a washer, a furnace, and a few vehicles during our relationship. We've had the funds to buy them. There have been no worries about juggling money and how to pay for a kid's school trip.
It's not that I don't like children; I actually enjoy having them in my life. My two closest cousins have seven children in total. They come to my house and sometimes spend the night. I take them to do things. I spoil them quite a bit. I love every minute of it. And then they go home.
Not having children of my own works for me. I am filled with gratitude for the way my life has turned out.
I'm happier at 44 years old than I ever thought I'd be.