- I was married in my early 20s, and my husband wanted a traditional wife. I didn't want that dynamic.
- I valued my career and independence, and have spent the last decade holding onto those things.
The only truly traditional thing about my eight-year marriage in my 20s was that I handled all the housekeeping. To be clear, this was not because I believed as a woman, it was my duty to keep up the home; it was because I had a pretty severe case of OCD. I simply could not entrust my husband with the tasks related to the upkeep of our home. It goes without saying that I was an absolute blast to live with.
During those years, I was an ambitious woman at the start of my career, plucking away at my laptop in the early morning hours, trying to be a "boss babe." I was not a traditional wife — or tradwife — and I rarely cooked, scoffed at the idea of having children, and did as I pleased. I thought little of caring for my husband. Not because I didn't care about him, and in fact, I cared about him quite a lot, but my main focus was on working and paying bills. I wasn't about to play the doting housewife on top of everything else.
Now, at 39, single, and childless, my priorities have completely shifted, and my career pursuits no longer fulfill me. I'm honestly not sure if they ever did. I feel like I've spent a lot of time collecting material things that don't make me happy, having hollow experiences with people I had no future with, and clinging to the freedom I thought I wanted. I've spent the last decade putting my independence on a pedestal, and now I'm alone.
My perspective on marriage has changed over the years
I'm not saying I don't think women in my position can live full and gratifying lives. I imagine some do. Still, I feel like I was fed the idea that I would find my happiness outside of the home and that a more conventional lifestyle would not bring me the same satisfaction that a career and autonomy would. I don't think that has served me, personally. In many ways, I think that narrative has contributed to me rejecting what makes womanhood such a fulfilling experience.
When my twin sister told me at 28 that she planned to quit her job, start a family with the man who is now her husband, and be a stay-at-home mom, I was a bit disappointed in her. I felt like she was setting aside her aspirations to support her husband's goals, and I could not understand how she did not want more for her life. Today, she has three kids, a good marriage, a lot of responsibilities, and a life of meaning. I envy the sense of purpose she has.
The older I get, the more I can understand and appreciate what it means to be a homemaker. A homemaker is the heartbeat of the home. She is entrusted with the awesome responsibility of caring for and shaping the next generation. She makes dozens of daily decisions affecting those closest to her — everyone under her roof, including her husband, depends on her. In turn, she relies on her husband and provider.
I now see the benefits in the dynamic between a traditional wife and husband
To me, the dynamic between a working husband and a traditional wife might be the ultimate expression of an interdependent relationship. There's something beautiful about two people trusting one another so completely. Each relies on the other to take responsibility for critical parts of their lives: finances, and care of the home and children. It's a vulnerable position for both parties, and maybe that's why this type of arrangement has fallen out of favor.
To be fair, I've also likely romanticized the idea of being a traditional wife. I envision greeting my husband at the door with a happy, smiling baby on my hip that he will lift into the air after kissing me on the cheek. I'll bring him a drink in his oversized leather chair, and he'll regale me with the details of the day while I check the roast in the oven and set the table with the China we were gifted at our wedding. I know that being a housewife will probably be more challenging than I'm picturing in this fantasy if and when the opportunity presents itself, and I recognize that depending on a husband financially also has its pitfalls.
I no longer question women who forgo their careers for their families, and I don't see it as a sacrifice, either. Conversely, I feel like they were privy to information that is not popular in today's culture — that being a traditional wife can be just as fulfilling as a career, and maybe even more.