- I used to feel hurt when my ex walked ahead or crossed the road without checking I was there.
- I assumed I was being oversensitive until I saw a TikTok that mirrored my experience.
My first boyfriend used to do this thing that bothered me. He would walk strides ahead of me and sometimes cross the road without so much as looking back. Although it sounds small, it hurt.
Feeling slightly embarrassed that I was upset by something so seemingly insignificant, and worried that I would be deemed overly sensitive, I never fully addressed it with him. I just sat with the feeling of frustration whenever it happened, and convinced myself it was all in my head and that I shouldn't be upset.
The relationship ended years ago and I hadn't really thought about the walking ahead thing until a TikTok video about a woman hiking with her partner brought the memories racing back, and showed me even the smallest actions can have a big impact.
I wasn't upset about the walking but about what it represented
In the TikTok, Rose Hackman, a journalist and author, discusses a first person article published in The Guardian by a woman whose partner used to leave her behind when they were hiking together and felt neglected as a result.
"It might seem tiny but when someone strides ahead on a hike what they're signaling in part is 'I don't see this as a group activity, my pace is the most important, and quite crucially if I have any strengths that mean I'm gonna leave other people behind, that's on them not on me,'" Hackman said.
As I listened to her I felt a rush of vindication. "I was right the whole time!" I said to myself.
Scrolling through the comments section, my experience was only further validated. "I had an ex do this to me in Disney World (???) and when I asked him for a third time to chill out, he accused me of trying to change him," one user wrote. Countless others shared similar experiences.
Looking back, I realized I wasn't upset about the walking itself, but about what it represented. The message I was receiving was "I'm not considering you."
While I was thinking about us as a collective, and seeing the walk as something we were doing together, it felt like he was only thinking about his wants and needs. My decision-making considered us both, while I simply didn't factor into the equation of his decisions, even if it was as simple as crossing a road without me.
Hackman said in the TikTok that such experiences are a small but powerful example of what is known as emotional labor inequality, which is where the unpaid mental work that goes into maintaining a relationship, and also often a household, is mostly taken on by one individual.
Think about, for example, who in your family reminds you it's your uncle's birthday or who organizes a farewell card for a departing team member at work. These tasks, which keep relationships afloat, are disproportionately performed by women and other disadvantaged groups, Hackman argues in her book "Emotional Labor."
The inequality boils down to who is expected to put their needs aside for the "pleasure" of everyone else, she said, and who doesn't even consider doing so. Women are trained to use our strengths to precisely never leave anyone behind, she said.
Other people don't have to agree with me before I allow myself to trust my instincts
It felt good to finally realize that what I was feeling was normal and not just because I'm "sensitive," but it came with an equally sized dose of sadness.
I hated the fact that it took other people's comments, or even a well-argued theory, for me to trust what I felt. If I'd been able to do that in the first place, I would have saved myself years' worth of self-doubt and confusion and probably had a healthier relationship.
But I'm glad I came across Hackman's TikTok, because in validating my experience, it taught me that I don't need other people to agree with me before I allow myself to trust my instincts.
Gender dynamics at play or not, we are all individuals and therefore bound to experience things differently. It's up to us to back our own corner and take action when something doesn't sit right, otherwise we simply suffer in silence.
As for the woman in the article, she and her partner also broke up, and spoiler alert: Her next partner stayed by her side on hikes.