I took a SWOT analysis with my partner. 8 years later I see how our 'weaknesses' told us we were not going to make it.
- My partner at the time and I took a management-analysis test to see if we were compatible.
- Using a Google doc, we wrote down our strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats.
Candlelit dinners and massages are higher on most new couples' date-night list than applying strategic-management analysis techniques to their fledgling relationship.
But one of the most romantic bonding moments a former partner and I had was a SWOT analysis one month into our relationship. Since about 1,000 miles separated us, we shared a Google doc and compiled our relationship's strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats.
Our list was thoughtful and deep
The "strengths" section made us both a bit mushy. "Being with you brings out the best parts of me, personally and professionally," one of us wrote.
As our No. 1 strength, we listed the career paths that brought us together professionally two years before anything romantic happened; No. 2 was our physical compatibility; and No. 3 was we both believed in punctuality.
We recognized the open and honest communication we'd established and the pride we felt in the other's work achievements.
Thinking we were going into it clear-eyed rather than viewing our relationship through a Vaseline-smeared lens, we listed an equal number of weaknesses. In the SWOT-devotee style, we then looked for weaknesses we could turn into strengths and opportunities.
Living in different countries, our first weakness, was the easiest to fix. I was happy to have more opportunities to go back to my home country, and he spoke fluent Spanish. He jumped at the chance to spend more time in Madrid, where I was based.
Unfortunately, that's as far as we got before we put the rose-tinted glasses back on.
Our relationship didn't make it
Now, when I look at the doc eight years later, I see that not only did the weaknesses and threats we listed ultimately split us up, but we never followed through with converting most of them into strengths or opportunities.
It's very telling that the last edit on the shared doc was made two months into the relationship. It should have been a blueprint we regularly added to and took to relationship counselors if we wanted our relationship to survive.
Instead, we did what most people do: We ignored the fundamentals and got distracted by the superficial.
The weaknesses quickly eroded six out of 11 of the strengths. The threats and weaknesses we'd identified, but did nothing about, turned our good communication and mutual respect and admiration for one another into stonewalling and disdain.
Our unaddressed weaknesses — like time one of us spent working away from home, our unequal incomes, and emotional trauma of the divorce that allowed us to be together — turned into resentment.
Even worse, the issues we had around money and eventual dislike of one another shaped our relationship as exes, and we failed to cooperate as coparents.
I still recommend this exercise
I believe the SWOT analysis is like a crystal ball that can tell you if your relationship will make it.
Some people think your first argument is also the last thing you argue about, but you don't even need to wait for the argument to see what's likely to cause it. Many of us would like to believe that "when you know, you know" and that will help us recognize "The One." But often that feeling is hormones and lust masquerading as intuition.
In fact, natural analytical abilities drive our intuition, and the SWOT analysis can draw out and break down what our intuition is telling us.
Personally, I'd never attempt another serious relationship without some SWOT-style honesty on both sides first. But next time, I'll make sure to take the crystal ball's wisdom and apply it because, without action, today's insight will just become tomorrow's hindsight.
Nicola Prentis is a freelance writer living in Spain, writing educational materials, stories, and articles on relationships, parenting, and motherhood for a number of outlets.