I thought having a 4-year-old would be easier. I feel like I'm living with a teenager.

• Everyone warned me the early toddler years were going to be hard, but 4 has been the hardest.
• Experts agree it's their struggle between needing connection and wanting to do things their way.

Seasoned parents told me to beware of the terrible 2s. Nobody prepared me for the "threenager," or the 4-year-old going on 16 who is my son.

The 2s were a breeze — enjoyable, even. But my 4-year-old acts like an angsty teen with a chip on his shoulder (minus the acne and body odor). I often feel verbally abused, manipulated, and not cool enough for him — and I'm a grown-up.

Just moments ago, my son said he hated me and called me a "booty butt" and a "baddy" who's going to jail because I wouldn't let him watch a monster-truck video game on YouTube. Then he slammed the door to his bedroom. If this is already happening at age 4, I don't want to know what I have to look forward to for the next 14 years.

Normal 4-year-old behavior

They don't call it the "F-you 4s" for nothing, Alanna Gallo, an education and parenting expert and the founder of Play Learn Thrive, said. This is normal behavior, Gallo added. They're still working on regulating their emotions, so tantrums and aggression are normal.

"It's an emotional roller coaster, and their outbursts signal that they need more connection and coregulation," Gallo told Insider.

Being "ego-centric" is one of your 4-year-old's toxic traits, Sid Khurana, a board-certified adult, child, and adolescent psychiatrist, said. They are typically unable to take others' perspectives, struggle with logic, and have a strong will to do things their own way — which makes them come across as defiant and poor listeners.

Khurana cautioned against trying to qualify what's "normal," adding that it depended on the child and the frequency and intensity of their behaviors. What is developmentally normal, however, is for your 4-year-old to take initiative and control their environment.

"They still do not have a full grasp of what all they want and do not have the skills to verbally communicate adequately their needs, wants, and preferences, which often can come out as emotional meltdowns, tantrums," Khurana said. "Sometimes the intense emotions can present as aggression, which can present as them thrashing during their meltdowns."

Your 4-year-old asks tons of questions, and it's likely they're quick to question anything you or other authority figures might have to say, said Mayra Mendez, a licensed psychotherapist and program coordinator for intellectual and developmental disabilities and mental-health services at Providence Saint John's Child and Family Development Center in Santa Monica, California.

"It is part of the social-learning and individuation process," Mendez said. "Such questioning supports the young child's learning of how to engage in collaborative exchanges, problem-solve, and learn conflict resolution."

Red flags parents should look for

While most of this behavior is normal, albeit frustrating, there is a point where you may need outside help. A developmental pediatrician or child psychologist can help if your child is causing serious damage to your home or is violent to the point of repeatedly hurting you or others, Gallo, the education and parenting expert, said.

Trouble at school or on the playground, along with impaired speech development, can also be signs that professional help is needed, Khurana said.

And as for those tantrums, Mendez said, if they occur numerous times throughout the day and last longer than 15 minutes, and they aren't able to self-soothe, you may need to ask for outside help.

Every age of parenting comes with distinct challenges and joys. Most of these challenges involve developmental milestones and your child trying to navigate their world and place in it. With each new age and phase, there are things to be grateful for and to look forward to. And don't worry, my 4-year-old doesn't actually hate me, and he'll stop calling me a "booty butt" — eventually.