I still find joy in my polyamorous partners even though I'm not romantically or sexually interested in other people

• I identify as asexual and aromantic, but I'm also polyamorous.
• Many people are confused, and some have accused me of withholding sex from my partners.

When I was younger, I was convinced romance was a thing of fiction, only to be found between the pages of my books — surely not real. So you can imagine my shock when I heard my friends gush about the boys they had crushes on.

Worse were the love triangles. Why couldn't my favorite characters love both of their love interests? Why did you have to choose?

I remember the confusion as far back as my childhood — and sadly, growing up didn't offer much clarity.

It wasn't until I was 19 that I realized there was nothing wrong with me. I couldn't understand the conflict in love triangles because I'm polyamorous. I couldn't understand crushes because I'm also on the asexual and aromantic spectrums. I know it all sounds counterintuitive, but it works for me.

As an asexual, aromantic, polyamorous person, I might be an outlier, but that's OK

Polyamory is the act of engaging in multiple relationships with the informed consent of all involved. These relationships tend to be largely romantic and/or sexual in nature. For me, however, this is slightly different because I'm asexual and aromantic.

Those on the asexual spectrum experience little to no sexual attraction; while some might experience sexual attraction, others don't experience it and may be repulsed by the very thought of it. Similarly, those on the aromantic spectrum experience little to no romantic attraction. Like asexuality, aromanticism can present in many ways — it's a spectrum where everyone's experiences differ.

I just happen to embody both asexuality and aromanticism — and it's led to much confusion.

People often ask me how I'm polyamorous if I'm aromantic and asexual. It's a valid question; it does sound a bit counterintuitive, doesn't it? People also ask me why I even bother with relationships if I'm aromantic and asexual; they don't see the appeal.

I understand their curiosity but find the questions quite frustrating and inappropriate. I always tell people this: I don't need to feel romantic or sexual attraction to find joy in romantic or sexual expression.

It's important to note that sexual attraction doesn't equal sexual action. I can engage in sexual activity without experiencing sexual attraction, just as I can engage in romantic behavior without feeling romantic desire.

I'm occasionally averse to touch and sexually repulsed, but not always. It fluctuates. It's all a spectrum. I find warmth and pleasure in affection, in holding hands, and in kissing. To me, these are expressions of intimacy and trust, not actions motivated by romantic or sexual interest.

When I tell people I'm asexual, aromantic, and polyamorous, some get mad

Many potential suitors on dating apps have told me I'm wasting their time or deceiving my partners. It's hurtful that some people think I'm "withholding sex" from them or my other partners.

But I tell them that all relationship dynamics are unique — and sex is not always part of that. I enjoy sex and have had sexual partners, but sex is not part of all my partnerships.

That's not deceptive or manipulative; it's simply the relationship we've both committed to.

Polyamory is rooted in trust, communication, and consent. There's open and direct communication about the expectations for and within the relationship. They knowingly commit to my asexuality and aromanticism.

At the end of the day, I'm aromantic and asexual, but I'm also polyamorous because I find joy in it

Polyamory brings me pleasure and warmth because it's not just about me. Seeing my partners live their life with freedom fills me with glee. Their happiness makes me happy; their excitement excites me. I revel in it.

I'm polyamorous because it feels like an inherent part of my being — much like my asexuality and aromanticism. This is simply who I am.