- It's normal for your mind to race during sex and it takes practice to let those thoughts pass.
- Porn can be a helpful tool, not something to be ashamed of. Meditation, self-compassion, and a willingness to be uncomfortable are also important.
Dear Julia,
I'm having a lot of trouble reaching orgasm with my partner.
I've been having sex with my boyfriend for two years and I've tried everything I can think of. I've directed him, had him go down on me, tried fingering, penetration, breast play, and just clitoral stimulation. I even tried touching myself without him there. It all feels amazing, but I still can't orgasm.
I've also noticed it's hard for me to orgasm on my own without reading erotica or watching porn. I've started weaning off of both, though.
When we're having sex, I start thinking about how I'm taking so long to get there and how vulnerable orgasms feel in general. Is there anything else I can do?
-Kansas
Dear Kansas,
Orgasms take work, contrary to what Hollywood sex scenes and mainstream porn would suggest. And the frustration you have over feeling at the mercy of your racing thoughts is a frustration I'm familiar with. Isn't it the worst?
Your experience is a common one, Jennifer Faust a Philadelphia-based sex therapist told me. She said the key to an orgasm is staying in the moment and feeling connected to your body. But the brain can get distracted from stress over work and children, or anxiety over body image or the worry you're taking too long to orgasm.
It takes practice to get your mind to let those thoughts go right after they pop up, Faust said. But with time and patience, doing so can lead to consistent orgasms.
Practice self-compassion
Like you mentioned in your letter, Kansas, you're having trouble with being vulnerable. That's very normal, and something you should give yourself grace for experiencing. Baring your soul (and naked body) is not always easy, even if it's with someone you love.
Faust told me many women have trouble letting go and climaxing because they're bracing to experience vulnerability or shame they internalized from a young age whenever they do orgasm. When those worries are swirling around in someone's head, no type or amount of licking, kissing, or fingering will help them get there, she says.
The thing is, it's OK to be afraid of orgasming in front of your partner. You're literally naked and making weird faces! But it's also a fear worth challenging, and one you can overcome with practice, according to Faust.
She said it's worth exploring feelings of sexual guilt or shame, if you have them. (But if you don't resonate with those feelings, feel free to skip to the next section for advice.)
Don't judge yourself, but consider the experiences that shaped those feelings and if it's worth challenging your own thinking about sex. Journaling, talking with a close friend you trust, or going to therapy can help you get there, according to Sara C. Flowers, a sex educator who runs Planned Parenthood Federation's educational and training programs.
Start a mini meditation practice and don't abandon the erotica just yet
You should practice staying in the moment, whether you're brushing your teeth, watching television, or sitting in bed before you start your day.
Faust suggested setting aside 10 minutes every day for a guided meditation using the Calm app or something similar. As you continue this practice, you should start to find it easier to acknowledge intrusive thoughts as you have them, then let them pass.
While you're having sex, both alone and with your partner, apply the same practice. When your mind drifts, notice it, then ask yourself what sensation your body is feeling right now. To focus on what is happening to your body instead of what's invaded your mind, describe the sensations you feel in your head, like hot, cold, pulsing, or a light brushing, Faust said.
You also mentioned how you could orgasm after watching porn or reading erotica, but you were using them less, and I'm curious why that is. Stigma around porn can make us believe it's a crutch for our sex lives or an unhealthy vice. But if spicy videos or books help you get out of your head and into a sexy mindset, keep using them, Faust said. If you have trouble relaxing with your partner after a busy day, you could even watch together to transition into a more sensual mood, she said.
Finally, think about what you need to feel safe while vulnerable. Remember that vulnerability requires some level of discomfort, but also the knowledge that you'll feel safe when you do something embarrassing or awkward.
Even small steps, like doing a sex position where your partner can't watch your orgasm face, are a start. Faust suggested trying a 69 position with your partner. You can also tell you're partner how you're scared of embarrassing yourself during sex beforehand. Calling out negative emotions we typically ignore can make facing our fears easier, according to therapist Carla Marie Manly.
Over time and with continued support from your partner, you'll build up the courage to be sexually vulnerable.
It won't be a comfortable journey, but it will be one of personal growth. And on the other side are the most freeing orgasms you've ever had.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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