I only orgasm during sex if my partner demeans me and makes me cry. What's wrong with me?

• When your sexual expectations fall short, it's easy to blame yourself for not performing.
• But sex is unique for everyone, so treating your turn-ons with curiosity and compassion can help.
• Look for a sex-positive therapist to work on this with, and give yourself patience.

Dear Julia,

My problem isn't with giving during sex. I love giving and find it pleasurable.

But I can't make myself orgasm. I'm not even sure if I can have one. My girlfriend and I, both women, have been together for three years. No matter what we do, how we do it, even when I'm by myself, I can't seem to have one.

I just stop because I get bored, or feel hopeless. I can't describe it. Something in my brain puts up the stop signs and I feel defeated.

I've tried everything: Going slow, going fast, exploring my mind and body. But nothing leads to an orgasm. I'm confused and sad because it's like I'm not doing my part by not ever orgasming.

However, when I'm having sex with my girlfriend, sometimes I ask her to make me cry to the point of sobbing. Whether it's from words or hard face slaps, or both, if I don't cry, I don't feel pleasured.

Are "cry-gasms" a thing? What's going on here?

- New York

Dear New York,

Like many wonderful things in life, orgasms can take time and patience.

Still, I recognize the frustration that comes with putting in your best effort and getting seemingly no results.

As humans, we can carry a lot of shame around the ways we have, or don't have, sex, according to sex therapist Veronica N. Chin Hing-Michaluk.

If you subconsciously think sex should look or feel a certain way, and that expectation falls short, it can feel like you messed up. In reality, people embody their sexualities in different ways and struggle with orgasms all the time, she said, so there's nothing wrong with giving more than receiving, or wrapping up sex before an orgasm.

According to Chin Hing-Michaluk, offering patience and compassion during sex, whether it's with yourself or your girlfriend, can help you get more comfortable with pleasure-filled and shame-free sex.

Unpacking long-held views about sex can take time and consistency, but it can pay off, Chin Hing-Michaluk told me. She said she's seen clients slowly shed feelings of shame they have around their sexual preferences and kinks so they can savor pleasure in the moment.

For example, some of her clients become more open to trying new activities with new partners. Others can spot a trigger during sex before it becomes too overwhelming, and some have healed their relationships with body image to have more in-the-moment and liberating sex.

She suggested looking for a a sex-positive and kink-affirming licensed psychotherapist in the Inclusive Therapists database to help you unpack your sexual hangups. If therapy is out of your budget, she suggested exploring your sexuality through apps like Coral and Dipsea, or an erotic card game she created.

As for the cry-gasms, it's possible that these intimate moments with your girlfriend are providing much-needed stress relief. That's normal, said Chin Hing-Michaluk.

"Both crying and sex with partners can be vulnerable and cathartic processes, and the release of pent up erotic energy or emotional heaviness can bring about a type of release for some," she said.

As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.

Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.

Related coverage from Doing It Right:

I watch humiliation porn, and I'm afraid I'll act on it in real life. Should I be concerned?

I live with my boyfriend and best friend, and I've fallen in love with her. How do I tell them?

I got drunk and cheated while my partner and I were on a break. Do I have to tell him?

My partner neglects our sex life, but always masturbates. Is there any way to fix this dry spell?