I no longer orgasm from oral sex with my wife. How do I tell her and fix the problem?
- The sex acts that once made you orgasm might not be working at this stage in your life, and that's OK.
- Your age or medications could affect your ability to orgasm from oral sex alone, so it's important to explore new options with your wife.
- Tell your wife you appreciate her taking care of your sexual needs. Then, explain that you'd like to take time to explore each other's bodies and learn what's most pleasurable for each of you.
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I'm a mid-30s man who has been happily married for 10 years, and my wife and I have a very active and healthy sex life.
There's just one problem: No matter how hard she tries, it's become extremely difficult for me to orgasm during oral sex.
Oral sex wasn't a big part of our relationship until the last couple years, after our last child was born. My wife wasn't particularly interested in doing it orally, but on the rare occasions she'd go down on me, I'd usually reach climax.
Now she performs oral sex multiple times a week, but it never seems to quite get me there. Prior to our marriage, I never had issues with orgasming from oral sex alone.
I'm not sure if my wife is just not good at oral sex, or if I'm the problem here.
How can I bring this up to her so I can get across the finish line?
- Ohio
Dear Ohio,
I'm so happy to hear you and your wife have a fulfilling sex life, and that you want to make it even better.
First, it's important to acknowledge that your inability to orgasm from oral sex alone doesn't mean you or your wife are doing something wrong.
Rather, a person's sexual preferences and needs evolve over their lifetime.
"Our bodies change over time, so the way that we achieve orgasm for one chapter or portion of our lives is not necessarily how we can do that forever," Rachel Wright, a New York City-based sex and relationship therapist, told me.
According to Orlando-based urologist Dr. Jamin Brahmbhatt, your hormones, age, and medications could all potentially play a role in what's been happening. Or, your body may crave a certain kind of touch that you haven't discovered yet.
"So you may want something mentally, but physically your body make get better stimulated with one certain thing better than it does something else," Brahmbhatt told me.
When you approach your wife, don't blame her
To approach your wife about the situation, it's important not to blame her for your inability to orgasm from oral sex.
Instead, tell her how much you appreciate her going out of her way to go down on you, and say that you find the experience super pleasurable, Wright suggested.
Next, explain you feel disappointed in yourself when you're unable to climax during oral sex, because you want to show your wife how much you appreciate what she's doing for you. Framing it this way, instead of suggesting your wife may not be the best at blow jobs, will make her more inclined to solve the problem with you, rather than feel unappreciated or insulted.
Last, offer a solution to the problem. Wright suggested saying something like, 'I would love to have some intimate time with you where we can go over all of this stuff and talk about what feels good now, what I like, and what has changed.'
According to Brahmbhatt, the shaft of the penis isn't the only area where men derive sexual pleasure, so it could be worth exploring other spots with your wife, like your scrotum.
You should also offer to explore your wife's body during this sexy session, since it's likely her needs have changed over the course of your relationship too.
"Make it about re-exploring what feels good on each other's bodies instead of, 'You don't know what you're doing,'" Wright said.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.
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