I lost one of my twins 3 days after his birth. I never got to tell him I loved him.

• In April 2009, I gave birth to twins — a boy and a girl — at 31 weeks gestation.
• My son developed complications and died three days after being born.

My daughter is turning 14 in a few days and has been eagerly scouring Amazon for her birthday gifts. It's moments like these when all the what-ifs come crashing in and threaten to drown me.

What if my son, her twin, was still here and they both were celebrating their birthday together? Would they have been the best of friends? Would they have fought each other all the time or ganged up against the world? How would we be managing two teenagers?

My twins were born early

Fourteen years ago, my twins were born prematurely in the 31st week of my pregnancy. I had been on bed rest for more than a month to avoid such an occurrence. My pregnancy had been pretty uneventful except for the high-risk status of carrying twins.

On a warm Sunday evening in April 2009, I went into labor weeks before my June due date. My beautiful twins came into this world within five minutes of each other. The only cause for concern was that my son had his cord wrapped around his neck a few times. I was exhausted by the two deliveries and all the blood loss.

The news of the grand arrival of the twins spread. Family and close friends arrived in the morning to meet the young ones and stayed behind eagerly playing with the babies and coochie cooing.

Some took photographs of them on their most basic cameras. Despite my asking for it, I was not given any photographs of them because of all sorts of superstitious nonsense. Nor did they take photos of me with them, and I did not have the energy to do it myself.

I was told to rest and that I would have all the time in the world to take photos with the twins later. I so wish that had been true.

My son died as a newborn

That first day, I was kind of in a brain fog and had a euphoria that made me feel that all was well and we had the rest of our lives to savor the moments.

I could hear concerns about my son not taking in milk, but I thought he'd be OK soon enough.

He was shifted to a specialty children's hospital that day. I never considered anything was amiss or could go wrong. I knew that God had answered my prayers and given me twins. Why would he give them to me only to take them back?

But he never came back and died on the third day. I was not told that it was serious or that he was kept on a ventilator. I never knew that my first few hours with him would be the only hours I would ever get to spend with him. I lost my son, my twins, and my complete family. I couldn't even attend his funeral because I needed to keep my preemie daughter, who was susceptible to infection because she had weak immunity, safe.

I never got to take them both in my arms and gaze into their eyes, memorizing all their features, their similarities, and their differences. I never got to hold him and tell him I loved him or how blessed I was to be his mom. I never got to spend precious hours and minutes looking at his lovely face. I never got to tell him how special and loved he was.

I hope and pray that when we meet again, he knows that he's loved, our greatest gift, and I've been paying this love forward.

I love you, Jacob.