I have racing and intrusive thoughts during sex, and it makes it hard to orgasm. How do I turn off my brain?

• Racing thoughts are a common obstacle during sex, especially when it comes to reaching orgasm, sex therapists say.
• A patient partner and sex toys can help, and you shouldn't be ashamed.
• Reflect on what you need to feel vulnerable during sex and have other sexual goals besides orgasms.

Dear Julia,

My current boyfriend is the only person who has been able to give me an orgasm during penetrative sex, while using a vibrator. There are times where I can orgasm very fast, other times it takes me a long time to finish, and sometimes I don't finish at all.

I love my partner and find him incredibly hot; it's nothing he's doing wrong. I think what's wrong is that I can't stop thinking during sex. I'm worried my partner will think I'm not attractive anymore, or that I'm not pleasuring him. He's reassured me that neither is the case, but I can't stop thinking that.

Also, I can orgasm easily when I'm by myself with toys.

What can I do to relax? How do I shut off my brain?

- Illinois

Dear Illinois,

I understand the frustration that comes with feeling like you can't get out of your head, especially when you want to connect with yourself and your partner.

Racing thoughts during sex are a common block, sex therapist Rachel Wright previously told me. She said fear of vulnerability can cause your mind to wander to the point you self-sabotage your own orgasm.

You should ask yourself questions like, "What do I need to let my guard down?" and, "Why do I have my guard up in the first place?" to pinpoint what you need to have safe and pleasurable sex, Wright said.

According to sex therapist Ian Kerner, anxiety, body image issues, and low self-esteem can also contribute to difficulty orgasming. Meditation, positive self-talk, and working with a therapist can help.

It's great that you've experimented with toys and know what you need to physically reach orgasm. It's also great you have a partner who seems supportive and committed to your pleasure.

Instead of feeling guilt and shame about enjoying sex toys, or needing patience from your boyfriend, you should lean into those things. After all, our need for love and care from another person (or our need for a good vibrator, for that matter) is the stuff that makes us human.

The next time you have sex with your boyfriend, don't even think about orgasms, according to Wright. She suggested you focus on foreplay, like kissing in new places on your body, and schedule a weekly partnered "play time" with no pressure to climax.

Explain that you want to explore your sexual needs more, and would love to have time together once a week to do just that. You should also do the same alone, when you masturbate, Wright said.

As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.

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