- I kept waiting for that butterfly feeling while dating, but it never came.
- In Australia, I met a beautiful man, and we shared a perfect night together.
While everyone was having their first kiss, first boyfriend, and first heartbreak, I was completely uninterested in the idea of romance.
Young love seemed trivial and like a waste of time. My heart was more eager for adventure and the next DJ performance I could sneak into with my fake ID. My young self just wanted to boogie in the club. I was fiercely independent and overly confident in my ability to enjoy life alone — maybe too much so.
But everything changed when I had the perfect date with a dreamy guy in Australia.
In college, I started dating guys and girls, but I never fell for anyone
When I turned 18 and went off to college, I finally started dating. I dabbled in men and women only because I felt like I had to catch up. Booze helped.
I dated a few great guys, but I couldn't care less about my relationships with them — especially when they wanted more. It was pretty much the same when I dated girls. I felt they expected more from me, and I couldn't imagine giving them what they wanted: a real, mature relationship.
I kept waiting for that feeling of butterflies and the phenomena of being lovestruck. But it never came — even as I got older.
I thought it must be college. Then I thought it must be the people in my small town. I was then convinced that I might be broken and would never know an orgasm by anything but my vibrator.
When I went to Australia, I met someone, and we shared a perfect date together
One of my couch-surfing friends, Ruby, invited me to Australia to work gigs with her and experience the wonderful land of Sydney. While there, life seemed perfect, but I couldn't help but notice all the couples and wondered: What about me? I'm cute, smart, funny, cool, and adventurous. Why haven't I found someone to take me on a date and make out with?
The universe heard me telling my friend Ruby of my troubles at the top of the cliffs overlooking Bondi Beach because, at that moment, a few Italian slalom kayakers came over. The three of them were tall and built like a Ken doll on steroids, with crispy, golden skin and the most charming accent. They invited us to drink some wine with them on the beach for sunset. I begrudgingly agreed.
There was one whom I got into a decent chat with named Christian. He was sexy and a gentleman. He told me about his love for his family and little sister and how he was in Sydney with his team because they were training for the Olympics. He wasn't doing the sport for any other reason than wanting to follow what made him genuinely excited to wake up every day. This man was a genius engineer who wanted to follow his passion, and this is where it led him: Olympic training in Australia.
We got to a bar that would not allow me to go in because I was in a beach cover-up. Christian offered to walk me home so I could change and the rest of the gang could hang out at the bar until we got back. I let him walk me across the boulders on the edge of the beach back up to where I was staying. Suddenly, it started raining and we ran into one of the caves off the paved path so that we could get a break from the torrential downpour.
He told me he enjoyed talking to me and that this encounter felt like a romantic fairytale, minus the evil witch.
While the lightning put on a show across the ocean, he leaned in and kissed me.
I wish I could say my heart stopped or my stomach came up to my throat, but I just felt like something was missing. At that moment, I realized what was missing: another woman.
I've realized no matter how perfect or dreamy a man is, I'll never be interested
It was as if a lightbulb came on, and it finally dawned on me that I needed to pursue what drove me emotionally. I thought of the women from my past that I wasn't emotionally available for but was exceptionally sensually available for.
When I returned from Australia, I slowly realized society brainwashed me into the straight dogma, convincing me that I couldn't connect emotionally with women and could never be in a relationship if I didn't feel emotionally interested in men. I decided to go to therapy and work through my compulsory heterosexuality, and it's still a work in progress.
But that perfect date with the athlete showed me my path forward. He helped me come out to myself.