- I grew up Mormon and was taught same-sex attraction was morally wrong.
- When I realized I was attracted to both men and women, I lied to my church leaders.
For the first three decades of my life, I spent a lot of time in constant worry that anything I did would make me "unworthy."
To most people, it might sound like I'm trying to lift Thor's hammer, but to Mormon youths, "worthiness" is everything. It means you are obeying the rules that the church says are important.
One of the biggest is sexual purity. Mormons aren't supposed to "do the deed" outside marriage. But there's a lot more to it: You also have to keep your thoughts pure. I struggled with that because I was a teenager; thinking about sex is part of the package.
I felt so guilty about my sexual thoughts that I would frequent the office of my ecclesiastical leader, known as the bishop. He put my mind at ease, telling me that what I was going through was perfectly natural. He helped me realize that it's OK to think about sex once in a while but that I shouldn't dwell on it.
I thought I had it all figured out — until the question of my sexual orientation came up.
As a teenager, I figured out I might not be straight
From a young age, I knew I liked women. As early as 8 or 9, I remember feeling a funny sensation in the lower part of my body when I thought about them, but I didn't understand what that was.
During my teenage years, I felt that same sensation when I saw a male body. By that point, I did know what it was, and it scared me.
The church I was born into has historically not been the best toward LGBTQ+ people. When my parents explained homosexuality to me, they told me it was not "normal."
My newfound attraction led to a brief war in my mind. I resolved this internal struggle with the theory: Sure, I might find men attractive, but does it really matter? I'll just go for women anyway. No one ever has to know.
This mentality worked for a few years. Then one day, my inner thoughts were put on trial.
An interview with a high-ranking religious leader led me to question everything about myself
When I turned 18, it was time to get the Melchizedek Priesthood, which would enable me to carry out essential church functions, including a two-year mission. During the process, I had to talk with a high-ranking church leader.
The interview started out normally, but then he threw me a curveball.
"Have you ever had an attraction to members of your own sex?" he asked.
My heart sank. I couldn't believe a question about my inner struggles would come up so explicitly.
"No," I lied.
"You know why I have to ask this question?" he asked, perhaps sensing hesitation in my answer. "Some missionaries have that kind of attraction. That can make things very complicated."
I went home that day with outward excitement that I was going to hit this major Mormon milestone. But on the inside, I was racked with guilt.
My mom helped convince me I was straight
That guilt followed me for a week. I felt like I had committed a grievous sin, that the only way to make things better was to confess.
One night, I wrote a note to my parents, slipped it under their bedroom door, and went to sleep. The next day, I went downstairs to find my mom sitting on the couch with the letter in her lap. She invited me to sit down and have a talk.
"I just want you to know that I love you," she said. "These kinds of doubts are perfectly normal."
"So you don't think I'm actually gay?" I asked.
"Of course, not," she said. "Just think about it. Would you rather kiss a girl or a boy?"
I considered this question for a moment. In all honesty, I wasn't sure what my answer was. So I told her what she wanted to hear.
"You see?" she said. "Having doubts isn't a huge deal. We all go through it."
"But what if I'm bi?" I said.
"Oh, come on," she responded with a laugh. "I'm pretty sure that's just a choice."
I went about my day feeling a sense of levity. This problem I had didn't chase my parents away, and I could still be a good member of the church — as long as I pushed these feelings in, all would be right with the world.
Leaving the church has given me the freedom to explore who I really am
A decade and a half later, I was a 30-something man divorced with several kids. Throughout the years, the feelings came up, but I ignored them and moved on with my life.
The church has changed its stance on gay relationships since I was growing up, but everything changed when I realized that the church was not as divine as it claimed to be and that I shouldn't give it so much power. This gave me the opportunity to explore my sexuality, and I took advantage of it.
I'm about a year into the process, and I have learned so much. One reason it was so hard for me to come to terms with my sexuality was that I'm nuanced. I'm bisexual with a preference for women.
There may come a day when I realize I'm more or less attracted to one sex than I had thought. But the important thing is I'm giving myself space to figure it out.
Editor's note: The author's identity has been verified by Insider, but he has been kept anonymous to protect him from being outed.