- Jennifer Keller, 53, got pregnant in her 20s and stayed with the father for 13 years.
- After they divorced, she discovered polyamory, and has been solo polyamorous for three years.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Jennifer Keller. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I was married for 13 years. We got married after only five months together because I was pregnant with our first child. We had another child and worked together for 13 years to try to create a successful marriage, but there was a fundamental incompatibility. It just reached a point where we thought maybe we would be better off not being together.
After our marriage ended in 2011, I was in a series of long-term monogamous relationships, and polyamory really was not on my radar. But in 2018, the breakup of a really intense relationship made me realize what I really wanted out of my intimate relationships. I like my space, but I also really value intimate connections.
I was just browsing the internet one day when I came across this polyamory thing. Reading more about it, I thought it sounded like something that was aligned with where I was then in my life. I was teaching and writing my PhD dissertation at the same time, essentially working two full time jobs, so my life was very, very full, but at the same time I had needs for connection, intimacy, and pleasure.
So, in 2020, I started practicing polyamory, because I didn't want that prescribed relationship thing. It's given me flexibility, is more aligned with where I am right now in my life, and is nourishing to me.
Solo polyamory means I have multiple relationships, but my primary relationship is with myself
To me, solo polyamory means having relationships which are fulfilling, meaningful, and loving, but my primary relationship is with myself. I'm in relationships but I'm not looking to get on the "relationship escalator," where there's the expectation that you're dating, then you get serious, then you're exclusive, then partners, and then maybe you get married or form a domestic partnership.
Because our culture is so monogamous, when people hear about non-monogamy, they think of cheating and secrecy. But for me, non-monogamy or polyamory is about openness, honesty, and being true to yourself in a radically honest way.
I think of my relationships like bubbles, separate from each other — as opposed to the stereotypical image of polyamory with partners sitting around a kitchen table, where they all know each other and all communicate with each other.
I have two romantic partners, platonic partnerships, and I date new people once a week
I have two relationships right now. I'm almost at the two-year mark in a relationship with somebody who's also partnered in a long-term open relationship, and then I have a newer relationship with somebody who is also solo poly. We're a few months in and it's going great.
I try to get together with my regular partners at least once a week to nourish those relationships, and then I'll date someone new no more than once a week.
Casually dating is great. It's fun to meet new people, have great conversations, and see if there's a spark there.
I had a slutty summer but dialed back because dating takes time and effort
Over the summer, I decided I was going to have this slutty summer. I was going to date like crazy and have as many experiences as I could.
Now, it's November and I'm still working my way out from all the connections that I made over the summer. I decided that I needed to dial everything back now that I'm back at work and the foundations of my house are collapsing, which requires a lot of mental bandwidth.
I love dating, and I love novelty in terms of experiencing chemistry, but after a certain point, time and energy are really the limiting factors. So, my ideal solo polyamorous setup would be one or two main folks and then the ability to date and have flings or short relationships.
I don't know if I'll be solo polyamorous forever, but I'll never go back to monogamy.
Right now I'm practicing solo polyamory and it's really wonderful, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I was always polyamorous in the past, or I might always be polyamorous in the future.
I'm open to solo polyamory ending for me, especially when I look at people in their late 70s and think "Wow, it's really great they have each other." I could see myself having one primary relationship later in life.
But it would be at least an open relationship. I look back at my marriage and wonder, if we had been non-monogamous when we were married, would we still be together? Part of the tension between us was due to mismatched sex drives and different needs not being met, but if we were open to those needs being met by people outside the relationship, that might have relieved a lot of pressure on the marriage.
So, never say never, but I will probably not go back being in an exclusively monogamous relationship.