I emotionally cheated on my partner twice, but only confessed once. Should I tell him about the other time?
- Honesty isn't always the best policy if you regret cheating, according to therapists.
- Instead of disclosing the affair, focus on bettering yourself. Therapy can help here.
- You should only disclose your transgressions if you think your relationship has unresolved problems.
- Have a question for Julia? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. You can read more Doing It Right here.
I recently told my boyfriend I emotionally cheated on him with a guy I met from a video game.
After I was honest, we got back together to work things out. But I didn't tell him the same thing happened with a second guy, earlier on in our relationship.
Is it better I leave out the earlier mistake? I don't plan to cheat anymore, since we both talked about the reason for my cheating.
I don't want to hurt my boyfriend more by bringing up something that's in the past.
I'm confused. What should I do?
- New York
Dear New York,
Honesty is the foundation of any healthy relationship, so I can understand why your decision to withhold information from your boyfriend is weighing on you.
At the same time, I think you're asking a vital question: Will telling him about your misstep achieve anything other than hurting him more?
As renowned sex and relationship therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer previously told me, being honest at all costs isn't always worthwhile, depending on the trajectory of your relationship.
Based on what you've told me here, it seems like you want to make your relationship work and that you regret your two emotional affairs. If you're willing to use that guilt to empower yourself so you don't make the same mistake again, keeping the other instance of emotional cheating a secret could be the way to go.
According to Tammy Nelson, a psychotherapist and author of "When You're the One Who Cheats," someone who feels guilty for cheating is usually better off keeping the affair, whether physical or emotional, under wraps.
Though being honest could make you, the cheater, feel better for getting the affair off of your chest, it could put your partner in a not-so-great position where they feel bad about themselves.
Instead of going there, focus on introspection so you don't have an emotional affair again and give your boyfriend the care he deserves.
"The details [of the affair] aren't as important as the why [you did it]," Nelson previously told me.
To become a better partner to your boyfriend, you should ask yourself questions like:
- What was I looking for in the affair?
- Did I learn anything new about myself from the affair?
- Can I imagine a new kind of relationship with my partner going forward?
- How do I need to change?
Journaling or going to therapy can help you reflect on these vital questions, so you don't feel pushed to cheat when you're in emotional distress.
If, however, you feel like existing relationship problems between you and your boyfriend - ones that came up before your emotional affairs - are still affecting your dynamic, it could be a good idea to bring up the affair.
Though it could hurt your boyfriend, explaining why you felt the need to outsource emotional closeness could allow you both to reevaluate your relationship and start anew.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all your questions about dating, love, and doing it - no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.
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