I don't like dogs, and it's messing up my dating life

• I've been on dates with guys who brought their dogs; some keep their dogs around while hooking up.
• Some of my dates are put-off by my lack of interest in their dogs.

I used to pretend to like people's dogs.

From a young age, I learned it was socially unacceptable not to want to rub their bellies and tell them they're "good boys." Unfortunately, I wasn't talented at feigning interest in humans — nonetheless, four-legged animals.

But I didn't expect my ambivalence toward dogs to be a dealbreaker in my adult dating life.

I once dated a guy who treated his dog like his child

I remember dating a guy, who I had noticed on Grindr for a while and manifested into messaging me. I used to suck at hitting on people first. Long story short, we had a couple of great nights out until he finally invited me over.

"There's someone I want you to meet," he said.

"Oh," I replied, deciphering if the vibes indicated a roommate or partner.

Instead, a large furry creature from hell came slobbering all over me.

"Nice," I said, easing my way to the couch.

My date tried to put the moves on me with the dog going apeshit around us. This was not a threesome I could get on board with, so I asked him if he could put it in the other room.

"It?" he asked, taking his hand off my crotch.

I quickly corrected myself, "He!"

"She," he said, but more lightheartedly, resuming position.

It was a familiar situation. By this point, I knew people didn't like me to refer to their dogs as objects. But I thought it was creepy that they wanted me to treat animals like children unless we were hooking up. I reminded David about putting the dog away, and he obliged.

The next day, he wanted me to accompany him and the dog to the park. I confessed I wasn't the biggest dog person, and he ghosted me.

I can't escape people's obsession with dogs

I felt like being part of the LGBTQ+ community freed me from having kids, but as I entered my late 20s, I noticed many gay men seemingly waking up with the sudden maternal instinct to adopt a pet. The pandemic exacerbated the dog problem in America. Well, I suppose it's only a problem for me and folks who don't watch where they step.

Don't get me wrong: I don't hate dogs.

I think it's a fine decision to take ownership of an animal — feeding them and cleaning up after their excretions daily for the rest of their life. But, as glamorous as it sounds, I don't share the innate obsession with dogs many people seem to have.

I always considered my way of being preferable to the people who stop every dog owner on the street and speak to their creature in baby language, with no regard for the stranger in front of them.

I'd like to blame my disinterest on my childhood Rottweiler, who pounced on my back when I was about 5 years old and smashed my head into the concrete. But truthfully, I just don't care for pets beyond acknowledging they are adorable.

Just as I'd prefer someone to compliment me without tousling my hair, I give animals the same respect. That's frustratingly not good enough for some of my partners.

I know this trait is a turn-off for most

Recently, I went on a first date with a 23-year-old who brought his Golden Retriever with him. It was my first time going out with a younger guy — and sober — so the animal humping my leg was about to send me into relapse.

The Meat Loaf song lyrics "I will do anything for love" played in my head, "but I won't do that."

The 23-year-old chatted away. Hearing all the nonsense that came out of his mouth, oblivious to the literal horndog below us, assured me it wouldn't have worked anyway.

I've learned that you can't force relationships the hard way, so I accept when my indifference toward pets might turn their parents off, even after sparks are in the air.

In affairs of the heart, it always saves time to be politely direct. Ironically, some say it's why animals, especially cats, like me.

My friend once had me babysit Queen Suzy, an 18-year-old Chihuahua, for a month while she visited her mom in Europe. This included providing the rebellious four-legged royal medicine with a syringe twice daily and constantly changing her diaper.

This is my biggest secret: If I love you, I will begrudgingly love your dog, too.