- I always wanted to be a mother, and I had two kids with a man I wasn't romantically interested in.
- After I had my two kids, I started seriously dating women and then came out as a lesbian.
In middle school, I broke out in a rash on my chest whenever a certain girl spoke to me. As I grew up, I convinced myself that my crushes on girls didn't mean I was gay.
By 33, I had two children — a 2-year-old and a 5-year-old — and still hadn't come out.
But that changed when I met my future partner, who would later become my children's third parent.
I always wanted children, so I followed the most straightforward path to motherhood
I'd wanted babies for so long that I couldn't remember when the desire crystallized.
By the time I was 28, I was accidentally but happily pregnant. I'd been living with my boyfriend for several years. We spent the majority of our relationship more as roommates than anything else, but I thought we could make it work.
Despite having had a couple of sexual and romantic encounters with women, I never pictured myself living openly as a lesbian. When I became a mom, I believed I could indefinitely lie to myself and everyone else about my sexuality.
When I got pregnant with my second child at 30, I was thrilled, but I was hit with an intense panic. I was now going to be a mother of two kids with this person I didn't want to be with romantically. Their father and I were never married. For many years, we shared a roof, but that's about it.
My partner eventually moved into the basement, and I stayed upstairs with the kids. I didn't think much about our arrangement or my sexuality because motherhood was profoundly fulfilling. I was exhausted but deeply in love with these tiny, perfect creatures. I obsessed over each milestone and bored anyone willing to listen about the intricacies of infant sleep habits.
A devastating diagnosis forced me to contemplate death and reevaluate my life
Though my symptoms appeared in seventh grade, it wasn't until my lung collapsed for the second time — when my youngest was 10 months old — that I got answers. The Mayo Clinic diagnosed me with light chain deposition disease, a rare and incurable blood disorder requiring multiple lung surgeries and years of chemotherapy.
Eventually, my health stabilized, but I still wasn't completely happy. I was alive and adored my babies, but I was just going through the motions. I was alive, but I wasn't living.
I knew I had to confront the truth of what I always feared: I'm a lesbian. The realization both overwhelmed and excited me.
The cost of hiding in the closet wasn't worth the societal benefits of compulsory heterosexuality, and I was determined to make up for lost time. Desperate for the type of love I craved — but took too long to name — I downloaded all the dating apps and started seeing people. But I still kept my sexual exploration a secret.
Everything changed when I met my partner, Katie
Eight years ago, I met Katie on OkCupid. Our first date was at a bar in San Francisco and ended with a kiss outside a Lyft. That kiss wrecked me.
That was when I decided to come out to my family. I was pleasantly surprised by everyone's vaguely nonchalant response. Being fully out to everyone, everywhere was glorious. I didn't realize the toll that hiding my sexuality had taken on me.
I never formally came out to my kids. Instead, I introduced them to Katie after we'd been dating for eight months. My children's father moved out, and Katie and I got closer. Things with Katie progressed slowly and organically, and by the time she moved in, we already felt like a family. My youngest was only 4 when Katie came into our lives. He's 11 now and barely remembers life without her. He wants us to get married so she'll "technically" be his mom.
Everything feels better now. I'm better at life, better at parenting. Things don't always feel perfect, but they always feel right. My little family feels predetermined. Katie's destiny is just as related to the kids as it is to me.
Their connection is distinctly their own, our paths intertwined but independent. I know she's meant to be their parent as surely as I know I'm meant to be her wife.