I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted sex only once a month and wouldn't talk to me about it. Was I wrong to leave?

• A person's preferences for partnered sex and masturbation aren't always related.
• Examine why your ex's libido pushed you to leave the relationship.
• If you want to turn over a new leaf in your friendship, have a judgment-free discussion with him.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend because our sex drives were incompatible. We're still friends.

He is physically healthy, his body responds to stimuli, he gets normal erections, and he likes hugs and touches. The thing is, he only wants sex once every month or so.

At first I thought he was asexual, but then I noticed he masturbates daily. It seems he likes porn and masturbation more than actual sex.

When I brought up our differing libidos, he said he broke up with his ex for that exact reason. I tried to talk with him about it, but he doesn't want to and gets irritated when I try.

Maybe he's dealing with a psychological issue, or something that happened to him in the past. Still, I'm at a loss for how to help if he doesn't let me in. Was I wrong to leave?

- Germany

Dear Germany,

It's clear your choice to end things is weighing on your mind.

It's not my place to say whether it was the right or wrong thing to do, but I think it's important you get clarity on why differing libidos played a huge role in your decision.

To do that, ask yourself how the lack of sex made you feel. If you find that his disinterest made you feel unwanted in the relationship, you should rethink how you view his sexual preferences.

That's because a person's appetite for masturbation and their appetite for sex aren't necessarily linked, the New York City sex therapist Rachel Wright previously told me.

Read more: I think my boyfriend is bisexual, but he says he isn't. How can I find out?

Think of it like this: Masturbation is self-care and self-exploration time, while partnered sex is about exploring your relationship with your partner.

"Your partner watching porn and masturbating is not a rejection of you. It's simply him having time to himself," Wright said.

At the same time, I understand your frustration over wanting more sex, voicing that need, and having your ex ignore it.

Like you wrote, it's possible he's dealing with self-confidence issues that affected your time together. It's also possible he avoided those conversations with you because he didn't feel safe and was afraid of being judged.

Since you remain friends, there's still a chance you can have an honest conversation that validates both of your experiences.

Ask for time to talk in person about how your relationship ended. If he's up for it, acknowledge what's been bugging you and explain why.

Read more: I love my husband, but I'm not interested in sex with him. How can I end our 3-year dry spell?

You could say something like, "During our relationship, I noticed I wanted to have sex more often than you. When you said you weren't in the mood and didn't explain why, it made me feel lonely and unwanted."

You should also explain what sexual intimacy means to you and that you want a better understanding of what it means to him so you can be on the same page about where you stand.

"I would encourage you to approach this with as little judgment, ego, and frustration as possible, and come at it with curiosity and love," Wright previously told me.

You might not see eye to eye about how often you should have sex, but explaining the underlying emotions behind your arguments in this area could bring about newfound understanding for each other.

As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it - no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.

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