- I've spent thousands on fertility treatments, which have taken emotional and physical tolls.
- My doctor suggested
embryo adoption , something we hadn't even considered.
After four years of unsuccessful fertility treatments — three intrauterine inseminations, four rounds of in vitro fertilization, and two losses — my partner and I are on a new path to parenthood through embryo adoption.
I never considered embryo adoption before my doctor presented it as an option in 2021. It has been growing in popularity as IVF and fertility treatments have increased. More people going through IVF means more embryos, and some people end up with extra embryos.
Having spent thousands of dollars on treatments and also wanting to experience what is like to carry my child in my belly, this is our last route to becoming parents. While we hope it works because we both want a child, if it doesn't we at least know we tried all the options available to us.
You have three choices when it comes to your extra embryos
When you consent to go through the IVF process, you have to decide what happens with the embryos should you die, break up with your partner, or end up with more than you need.
You have three choices: destroy them, donate them to science for research, or donate them to someone else. For many, choosing to donate their embryos to another person or couple is the option they feel most comfortable with.
A few months after my fourth round of IVF left me with no embryos and a shattered heart, I had to talk next steps with my doctor, including whether the door was closed when it came to additional treatments.
She first mentioned getting an egg donor and using my partner's sperm. At 43, it's more an issue of quality than quantity when it comes to my eggs.
The costs of an egg donor — about $18,000 to $25,000 — felt prohibitive for me. Having already spent tens of thousands of dollars on unsuccessful treatments, I couldn't justify continuing to throw that kind of money into the abyss that has become my uterus.
Then she mentioned embryo adoption. Neither of us would be genetically connected to the child, but I would be able to carry it. There were embryos available at my clinic at that time. It was a glimmer of hope, a surprise one-way sign at the end of what I thought was the end of the road.
The adoption fee was $2,200 for one embryo. She went through her plan for the transfer and told me to think about it and talk it over with my partner and let her know.
I had to mourn not being genetically related to the embryo
I kept saying this would be the easiest embryo I ever made. But mourning the loss of the ability to have a genetic child was still a process I had to go through.
A big plus was getting to carry the baby. Getting to be pregnant and give birth to a baby were big life desires, and with embryo adoption, I would still be able to achieve those.
I didn't know what my partner would think about it. While I have a big family, I thought it might be more important to him to have a genetic tie to a child. We discussed the various options and talked about how it would be a study in nature versus nurture, as we would see what the child would pick up from us. We decided to say yes.
When it came to selecting an embryo, we went with one without any abnormalities, to give us the best shot.
We were given limited information about the genetic parents and their medical histories. Should we be successful, our child would not have any contact with them. That's not the case with everyone, though. As with more traditional adoptions, there is the option for an open situation.
What I know for sure is that our situation is open where it needs to be — in our hearts. We don't know if it'll be successful, but at least I'll know I tried.