How to support and parent a transgender child, according to a therapist
- "The Walking Dead" actor Khary Payton recently joined the growing number of celebrities publicly celebrating their transgender children after posting in support of his son, Karter, 11, on Instagram.
- While parenting trans kids is becoming more normalized in media, many parents still don't have the best tools for supporting their children through coming out.
- Insider spoke to Dr. Nanika Coor, a licensed clinical psychologist and parent therapist for Brooklyn Parent Therapy, on the best ways to support your trans child during and after coming out.
- "Allow them the freedom to explore or claim identities for as long as they need to and in the ways they need to," Coor said. "Celebrate and express love for who and how they are."
On Tuesday, "The Walking Dead" actor Khary Payton voiced support for his 11-year-old transgender son Karter in a heartfelt Instagram post.
"Man, there is nothing more beautiful than watching your child feel the joy of exploring what it means to be true to themselves," Payton wrote in the Instagram caption. "This is his journey, and I am here for it. I hope you all have the opportunity to feel the unquenchable love that I am feeling right now."
Payton is among a growing number of celebrity parents who are supporting their trans and nonbinary kids. While parenting trans kids has also become more normalized in television shows and online, some parents may not feel fully equipped to support their trans or nonbinary child in coming out and living day to day life.
Insider spoke to Dr. Nanika Coor, a licensed clinical psychologist and parent therapist for Brooklyn Parent Therapy, on the best ways parents can support their transgender children through their social and sometimes medical transition process and parent them beyond coming out.
Trust what your children say about their gender identity
Sometimes, parents respond to a coming out by saying the child is too young to know that their gender identity doesn't match what was assigned at birth. Instead, these parents may try to convince their kids to conform to societal expectations of gender.
"Many times these are well-intentioned parents operating from a place of fear for their child's future safety and inclusion," Coor told Insider. "Because our society doesn't make room for gender creative or expansive people, it's natural to feel worried about how the world will receive and respond to our child."
But it's a misconception that trans children are "too young" to fully understand their gender identity.
In a 2019 study, researchers found no significant differences between trans and cis kids' gender development, or how they grew to understand and formulate their gender. The findings also revealed that transgender children gravitate toward the same gendered toys, clothing items, and friends as cisgender kids, regardless of how long they had been socially transitioned — or live as the gender they identify as.
Coor told Insider she recommends parents trust children to reveal their own gender identity.
"Allow them the freedom to explore or claim identities for as long as they need to and in the ways they need to," Coor said. "Celebrate & express love for who and how they are."
Allowing them to socially transition can validate them and also reduce their risk of depression and even suicide.
Find a safe space to process fears about your child's transition without projecting onto them
Parents might have negative feelings come up about their child's transition, including confusion, mourning, or grief about the difficulties being trans can present in a world filled with transphobia.
"It's valid to have those fears, but it's not supportive to project those fears onto your child," Coor told Insider.
"The best thing a parent can do is educate themselves, but also have a safe space to process their fears and uncertainties in ways that do not make the child's behavior responsible for the parent's emotional experience."
In addition to support from a therapist or family member, specifically for parents, parents may find it helpful to seek mental health services for the entire family to guide everyone through the journey.
Normalize gender diversity in your home
While society may place expectations of binary gender onto your child, you can do your part to expose them to as much gender diversity as possible.
"Normalize gender diversity by making sure your home library, the media they consume, and the toys they play with reflect gender diversity along with all the other kinds of diversity we might prioritize such as race, ethnicity, culture," Coor said.
Diverge from the idea that "boys play with trucks" or "girls play with dolls" and instead expose your child to a variety of toys and media that pique their curiosity to affirm their identity and show your support.
There are also lists of books that challenge standards of gender and sexuality that you can include in your personal collection.
Be an advocate for your child outside the home
Transphobic bathroom policies at school, bullies, and teachers who misgender or use the wrong name are just a few of the hardships trans children may face once they come out. Parents need to be there in support of their child.
"Parents can get involved with organizations and support networks that lift up trans and non-binary folks," Coor said. "They can advocate for their child in their communities, and with teachers, family, and friends. They can continue to increase their gender literacy, and learn about and confront their own biases."
Ultimately, Coor says to "celebrate and express love for who and how they are."
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