- Boundaries are important in
relationships because they help you feel more comfortable. - You can set sexual boundaries, emotional boundaries, time boundaries, and more.
- To set boundaries, you can have a conversation with your partner where you explain your needs.
Respecting your partner's boundaries and setting your own is a crucial part of a healthy relationship. Boundaries are what help you feel comfortable — whether they be boundaries about your time, your emotions, what you do and don't want to do in bed, or anything else that will help you feel safe around your partner.
No matter what aspect of the relationship you're setting boundaries in, it's bound to improve your relationship in the long run. Here's how to understand your own boundaries and talk to your partner about respecting them.
The importance of boundaries in relationships
To foster and maintain a healthy relationship, boundaries are crucial. "Boundaries establish what we feel okay with and don't feel okay with in a relationship. In that vein, boundaries are important because they serve a critical role in establishing safety and trust in a relationship," says Janet Park, MS, LMFT, therapist at Healing Phoenix Therapy.
On top of this, boundaries play a large part in relationship satisfaction. If you don't honor your own needs and limitations, you may be setting yourself up for feeling uncomfortable or unfulfilled in the relationship down the line, says Park.
Of course, setting boundaries isn't just about you – it's also about honoring your partner. In a healthy relationship, there should be space for both partners' individuality as well as interdependence. Additionally, setting boundaries is self-care, and honoring your partner's boundaries is relational care, says Adrienne Clements, MA, LMFT, therapist in private practice.
Setting and enforcing these boundaries can benefit your mental
Plus, setting boundaries is a way to honor yourself and your needs, values, and limitations, says Park. It's a way to show that you're looking out for yourself and taking your well-being seriously. Stressful, unsatisfactory relationships can cause your mental health to take a hit, so maintaining boundaries is a great preventative measure.
"It is a two-way street; while mental health certainly impacts how we relate to others, how we relate to others can also impact our mental health," says Park.
A 2017 review found that improving your romantic relationship can result in mental health benefits, so it's time to set boundaries that make you feel like your relationship is healthier.
Examples of reasonable boundaries to set
Of course, every relationship is unique, and every individual has different comfort levels when it comes to certain scenarios. That being said, there are some specific themes of boundaries that are very reasonable to set, according to your own preferences.
1. Sexual boundaries
These are your needs and limitations surrounding sex. Park says you may want to set boundaries about:
- How early in the relationship you'd like to have sex
- Types of sexual touch you do and don't feel comfortable with
- When and where you feel most comfortable having sex
- Not being pressured into having sex if you don't want to
2. Emotional boundaries
It's natural that you want to take your partner's feelings into account, but Clements says you may set emotional boundaries including:
- Not feeling overly responsible for managing your partner's emotions
- Listening and expressing compassion for your partner without absorbing their emotions
3. Time boundaries
You don't have to spend time with your partner 24/7. Park says you can set boundaries such as:
- How often you'd like to see your partner
- Limitations on the amount of time spent with your partner
- Limitations on how you'd like your time to be treated, such as how long you're willing to wait after an agreed upon meeting time
4. Communication boundaries
Before communication conflicts start to arise, Clements says you can set boundaries including:
- Defining what is and isn't okay for you surrounding communication
- Making a commitment to not engage in name-calling during arguments
Some of your boundaries may be non-negotiable, while others may be more flexible, says Clements. It's important to clearly communicate your boundaries, especially your non-negotiables, to make the relationship work.
How to establish boundaries
Establishing boundaries isn't always easy, and it may feel uncomfortable, especially if you're new to it. Here are some tips to get started:
- Identify your needs and limitations: You can't set boundaries with a partner if you aren't sure where your own limitations lie. Get introspective and decide what you need. If this is hard for you to define, Park says you should identify your feelings the next time you're in a situation where you feel discomfort or anger, since this may be a sign that your boundaries are being crossed.
- Make requests, not demands: While demands can create a power dynamic, requests put you on the same team, says Clements. This can look like saying, "Would you be willing to give me solo time in the house today?" opposed to "I need some solo time in the house today."
- Use I-statements: I-statements allow the conversation to focus on your needs rather than blaming or faulting your partner. These statements start with "I" and allow you to clearly express your feelings. Park says you can start with "I think," "I feel," or "I need."
- Maintain respect for your partner: Throughout the process, make sure you respect and honor your partner's needs and limitations, too. "The goal is to work together to find a place where both of you are honoring and respecting each other's boundaries and needs," says Park.
Insider's takeaway
Boundaries are a crucial aspect of healthy relationships. They ensure that your needs and limitations are being honored, resulting in greater relationship satisfaction –– and better mental health, too. Be sure to communicate directly and clearly when asserting your boundaries to your partner, and of course, listen to them and honor their wishes when they share their own boundaries with you for a happy, balanced relationship.