- If you're mourning the recent death of a spouse, the idea of dating again may seem impossible.
- But moving forward is an important part of grieving, and dating doesn't mean you've forgotten your late spouse, experts say.
When Mr. Big died in the first episode of "Sex and the City" spinoff "And Just Like That..." Carrie Bradshaw was unsure she'd ever date again.
But as her newly single era unfolds, Carrie finds herself dating, kissing, and sleeping with a string of eligible bachelors who are in their fifties. Throughout it all, Carrie is shown mourning Mr. Big, crying over a photograph of him, making the painful decision to sell the apartment they shared, and wearing Big's suit jackets as part of her outfits.
Carrie first feels overwhelmed while mourning Big, but as time passes, she regains sight of the life she has ahead of her.
When someone transitions from feelings of intense pain to smaller moments of grief that are mixed in with new experiences, it suggests they're healing from their loss, Marilyn A. Mendoza, a psychologist who specializes in bereavement wrote for Psychology Today.
"If and when you decide to start dating again, you need to understand that it is possible to be happy in a new relationship even though you are still having thoughts and feelings for your deceased spouse," Mendoza wrote.
There's no right or wrong time to start dating again after the death of a spouse, since everyone mourns such a massive loss on their own time, Mendoza said. But there are milestones you can look out for that signal you're ready for a new romance.
"Try to find meaning in your life and [think about] how you can continue to find meaning while carrying on their legacy here," Jonathan Singer, a grief specialist at Texas Tech University, told Insider.
You've cried a lot or spent days in bed
In order to mourn a life-changing loss like the death of a spouse, you have to allow yourself to feel emotions like sadness, despair, anger, and hopelessness, licensed social worker and therapist Shahem McLaurin previously told Insider.
It can feel overwhelming or impossible to recover in the moment, but crying your eyes out or spending a full day in bed enveloped in sadness are common ways to move through intense grief, even if it feels like the last thing you want to do in the moment. In fact, Sarah Chaves, who lost her father in 2007, wrote that screaming out her intense emotional pain helped her move forward.
As time passes, those feelings should be less acute, allowing you to enjoy parts of life outside of your marriage. But if they don't dissipate within a year's time, it could mean you have prolonged grief disorder and should speak with a mental health professional.
"You've got to go through rage, but don't get stuck in it," Edith Eger, a therapist and Holocaust survivor, previously told Insider.
You want to share stories about your spouse
If you're dating after the death of your spouse, you're bound to have sweet or silly memories pop into your head from time to time.
If you get the urge to share one of those stories out loud with a friend or even a date, you should, as it's an empowering way to dually honor their memory and your strength, Megan Devine, a psychotherapist and grief advocate, previously told Insider.
You still feel grief, but it comes in waves
According to Eger, prioritizing your needs is another sign you're mourning in a healthy way that's conducive to dating.
Part of that is realizing you deserve to feel love and support from a romantic partner again, if that's something you desire. And that desire doesn't detract from the love you had, and still have, for your late spouse.
When you live by that idea, allowing yourself to have new experiences without your spouse, the grief will no longer feel all-consuming, according to Jacobsen.