How to get out of a relationship rut when you're quarantined with your partner

• The coronavirus pandemic has caused couples to spend more time at home with their partners than normal. Some couples say it's resulted in feeling disconnected from each other.
• According to therapist Kelly Scott, these problems often stem from a lack of communication and lack of alone time.
• Scott suggested couples voice how and how often they want to spend quality time together, and consider spending time apart to increase their sex drives.

With coronavirus lockdowns now in their third month, many couples have spent more time at home with their partners than ever before.

Companies have mandated work-from-home policies for their employees, and the bars, coffee shops, gyms, and restaurants people visit are still largely closed.

Kelly Scott, a New York City-based therapist at Tribeca Therapy, said many of her patients believe all of the extra time spent inside and with partners has taken a toll on the quality of their relationships.

"I've had a bunch of couples say variations of, 'We spend all of our time together, but it feels like I never see the other person,' or, 'It feels like we never get to spend time together.' [That's] a really interesting dynamic, to feel like you're both always with someone and also never with them," Scott told Insider.

That feeling of disconnection can come from various sources, including miscommunication and lack of alone time, Scott said, but there are ways to work through it.

People are around their partners constantly, but aren't investing quality time

When you're nearly always in the physical presence of your partner, it can feel like you're spending every moment with them.

In reality, being present isn't enough to keep a relationship healthy and productive, Scott said.

"It's more than just sitting on a couch, staring at the TV screen, or like sitting side-by-side while working on your respective laptop," she said. "There is certainly some level of intimacy that is there. There's a familiarity, there's a comfort. There's a physical togetherness being in the same space [with your partner], but people's bodies are in their apartments or in their homes, and their minds are not there."

Often this stems from a lack of communication, according to Scott, like when one partner craves more quality time but doesn't voice that to their partner, who is naturally OK with less quality time.

In that case, Scott recommended partners have a conversation to get on the same page.

"If your partner is saying, 'I feel like we're not spending any time together,' and you feel oversaturated with time spent together, and then try to come from a place of asking questions and being curious and wanting to understand the other's perspective, because there's a very good chance that, that you think are 'spending time together,'" she said.

Once partners understand they're differing view point, Scott said they could set some ground rules for quality time, like banning phones at the dinner table or scheduling a weekly date night.

If you don't crave sex with your partner, you might need more alone time

Though quality time is important for couples, spending too much time together can also have its downsides.

The pandemic has limited people's abilities to participate in the activities they normally would do separate from their partner, and that can mess with sex drive.

"Intimacy relies on separation, intimacy relies on a balance, and it looks different for every person and every relationship," Scott said."[There's] a very precise balance between togetherness and separateness. You don't want to have sex with someone that you never get a break from, because then there's no opportunity to feel that person's absence."

Since people can't commute to work, spend time with their own co-workers, and do their typical after-work activities that they'd normally keep separate from their romantic life, it can feel like there's no way to get that.

But coming up with creative new ways to spend time alone is still possible.

Scott suggested telling your partner you're going on a walk by yourself every day at a certain time, or asking that they don't bother you while you hang out in a quiet room by yourself.

If it's difficult to get physical distance from someone due to the small size of your living space, Scott suggested wearing headphones to signify when you want to be alone with your thoughts, after discussing the idea with your partner.

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