- Despite the best intentions, most parents end up harming or upsetting their kids in certain ways.
- As an adult, it's possible to reflect on your experience and take steps to let go, a therapist said.
Even with the best intentions, your parents cannot avoid upsetting you in some way.
"Parents are human. They're going to mess up just like anybody," Melissa Stanger, a psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker based in New York, told Business Insider.
In many cases, parents may not be aware of what they're doing that is affecting their kids, Stanger said. It could be a parent's own complicated relationship with body image, or their busy schedule dividing their attention. Subtle things can leave lasting effects — or, as Stanger calls, them "microtraumas" — on kids.
"Those kinds of microtraumas build up over time and form patterns that make us feel like, my parent doesn't understand me, or that my parent is constantly making fun of me in a way that they see as funny, but it feels actually bullying," Stanger said.
But the good news is that, if you are holding resentment towards your parents for ways they acted in your youth, there are steps you can take.
Stanger shared three things that will help you to start moving on and forgiving your parents.
Try to understand rather than blame
It's helpful to understand the possible reasons why your parent may have behaved in the way that upset you, or how they were feeling, rather than pointing the finger, Stanger said.
"Parents usually think that they're doing what's best, and when they kind of reach these failures or cause harm to their kids, it's not for lack of trying to do what's best for their kids too."
Stanger recommended doing this with the help of a therapist and suggested psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapy for this kind of work because it incorporates the past.
"It takes a look at the origins of some of the conflicts that we have in our minds and tries to answer some of those big questions about why I am the way I am, why I think the way I think," she said.
Questions around someone's relationship with their parents in the past, and now, often come up in this type of therapy, she said.
Questions to help you assess whether this is something you can let go of as an adult and reframe
Self-reflection is something you should be doing throughout this process, Stanger said. Once you have a greater understanding of how your parents' behavior has affected you, it might be possible to reframe the situation.
You can start by asking yourself questions such as:
Can I have a relationship now with my parents that feels fulfilling to me?
In what ways do I feel supported and loved by them?
Can I accept that there are other things that they've never been able to give me, and they may never be able to give me?
Now that you no longer depend on your parents, it's worth considering:
Can I get those things from other people?
Can I get those for myself?
Can I give myself that validation now?
If you confront your parents, don't go in expecting change or an apology
If you decide to talk to your parents about your experience of their behavior, it's better to do it simply because you want them to know, rather than in the hope they will change, Stanger said.
"Going into those conversations trying not to expect change or expect an apology even is a good way to prevent yourself from being more hurt by the way those conversations can go," she said. This is because adult children might find that their parents become defensive and double down on what they did, she said, leaving them feeling worse.
If you feel certain that no matter your parents' reaction, it's not going to derail you, and focus on sharing how you have been impacted, you'll likely get more out of the conversation, she said.
Stanger suggested unpacking the way you're feeling with a therapist, or at least with another person before you bring it up with your parents, if that feels like the right course of action for you.