How to develop a secure attachment style so that you can have healthier, more loving relationships

• A secure attachment style develops when a child has a healthy relationship with their parents.
• People with this style can usually ask for help, communicate well, and cope with being alone.
• You can develop this as an adult by building self-esteem, learning to self-regulate, and more.

How you approach relationships as an adult has a lot to do with what your childhood relationship was like with your parents or primary caregivers.

This phenomenon, known as attachment theory, was coined by British psychologist John Bowlby.

There are four different types of attachment styles, the healthiest being secure attachment, People with a secure attachment style typically have successful, happy relationships.

To develop a secure attachment style,young children typically must have a healthy bond with at least one primary caregiver in order to have healthy social and emotional development, says Erika Beckles Camez, PhD, LMFT, therapist and founder of Live Well Family Counseling Services.

Here's what it means to have a secure attachment style, what causes it to develop, and how you can develop it later in life.

Signs that you have a secure attachment style

Secure attachment style can show up in many ways in both childhood and adulthood.

Beckles Camez says some characteristics in childhood include:

• Demonstrating distress when separated from their parent, but can be calmed down
• Showing relief or joy when reunited with a parent
• Allowing the caregiver to console them if they're under distress, such as if they're scared or nervous
• Exploring their environment and taking risks, feeling comforted that their caretaker will be there to help support them

These healthy traits carry over from childhood to adulthood and allow you to feel confident in your self-expression and more secure in your relationships, says Sasha Jackson, MSW, LCSW, social worker in private practice.

A 2015 study found that compared to those with avoidant or anxious attachment styles, people with a secure attachment style were more likely to have a positive sense of self, feel cared for by others, and greater feelings of closeness with other people.

In adulthood, Beckles Camez says characteristics of a secure attachment style are:

• Being able to self regulate emotions, such as by using self-talk or coping skills
• Being able to cope with feeling alone or being alone from time to time
• Communicating and expressing when support is needed or emotional connection is desired
• Working through challenging times in a relationship proactively
• Knowing when to end a relationship or set boundaries when people they care about are emotionally unavailable

How to foster secure attachment in childhood

"Secure attachment is developed by having positive consistent feedback of safety, trust, protection, a sense of belonging, comfort, reliability, and positivity from the attachment figure," says Jackson.

It's crucial that a child feels safe, seen, and valued. As humans, we value acknowledgement, validation, and connection. This makes us feel like we belong and are appreciated, Jackson says.

This can show up in various ways throughout the years. Beckles Camez says some examples of positive childhood experiences that can lead to a secure attachment style are when caregivers:

• Set routines and help their child experience predictability
• Healthily express a range of emotions and illustrate the importance of feelings
• Encourage their child to talk about their thoughts and feelings
• Demonstrate approval, acceptance, and affection — such as through words of affirmations, hugs, high fives, or simply being told "I love you"
• Set obtainable expectations and help to build self-esteem
• Keep their word and follow through on what they say they're going to do
• Self-regulate their own emotions

Experiencing these positive situations throughout your upbringing can help set the stage for you to do the same when you are older in your interpersonal relationships, whether that's your familial, romantic, or platonic relationships.

How to develop a secure attachment style as an adult

Even if you didn't have an upbringing that fostered a secure attachment style and you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, it's still possible to develop a secure one as an adult.

"Purposely developing a secure attachment starts with your emotional awareness on how you feel about yourself, your ability to be loved, and your ability to be safe," says Jackson.

Take a good hard look at how your current attachment style is affecting your current relationships. It's likely that the people you have close bonds with have the same attachment style as you. Jackson says we tend to attract people with similar attachment styles because it's familiar.

Jackson says some steps you can take to develop a secure attachment style are:

• Actively working on your relationship with yourself
• Purging toxic or counterproductive relationships
• Building your self-esteem
• Healthily expressing your emotions
• Lean on the support of friends and family
• Work on healing from past negative experiences in therapy

Any type of therapy with a mental health professional can help you to become more self-aware, identify unhealthy habits, and work through trauma. Beckles Camez recommends EFT (Emotionally-focused therapy) in particular, since it was developed around the principles of attachment theory. It can be conducted in individual therapy or couples therapy.

EFT can help you learn how you may have developed unhealthy coping strategies in response to past emotional trauma, and it can provide couples with tools to see how these unhealthy strategies create negative patterns that can prevent meaningful emotional connection and secure attachment, says Beckles Camez.

Insider's takeaway

A secure attachment style typically develops in childhood, when a child experiences a healthy upbringing with emotionally available caregivers.

Witnessing good examples from caregivers and having this attachment style can help you form secure relationships later in life.

If you have an avoidant or anxious attachment style rather than a secure one, it is possible to change if you put in the work.

Don't hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional to get started on your journey towards secure attachment.