How to cope with sadness on the anniversary of the COVID-19 pandemic, according to a grief therapist

• People are reflecting on how different their lives were a year ago, before the pandemic.
• Anniversaries of difficult events can act as an emotional trigger.
• To cope, don't ignore your feelings. Instead, journal and find ways to honor loved ones lost.

As we approached this month, I couldn't stop thinking about the last non-pandemic activity I experienced: a family-style dinner with my best friends at a packed Italian restaurant on March 1, 2020.

On March 11, 2020, the World Health Organization declared the coronavirus a pandemic.

The joy of that memory is now punctuated with despair.

Across social media, people have been sharing their last sweet moments of regular life - symbols of a deeper collective grief.

An estimated 4.5 million Americans have lost loved-ones lost to the novel coronavirus. Each COVID-19 death affects about nine people, according to a July 2020 kinship study from researchers at Penn State University.

Then, there are the lost jobs, broken relationships, and sudden cut-off of human connection.

When we arrive at the anniversary of a life-shattering event, it's normal to feel a wave of grief, even if it's an abstract one, according to Jonathan Singer, a grief specialist at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center.

"Most people grieve for a short period of time and then they go back to their normal life and pleasurable activities," Singer told Insider. "Anniversaries are tough because it's a point when your life is still there, but you have all of these memories and feelings about the loss and about this person and they all come to fruition on that day."

The anniversary of when this pandemic began is particularly painful because outlets we normally have, like in-person memorials and family gatherings, aren't possible right now. But it's still possible to acknowledge and move through that grief in a healthy way, he said.

Don't ignore your emotional pain, even if you've grieved before

The so-called "anniversary reaction" is your body's physical reaction to memories your brain has stored, trauma specialist Danielle Render Turmaud wrote on Psychology Today.

Even if you coped with that grief as its initial onset, it can pop up again if you're triggered.

Instead of telling yourself you should be over it by now, be gentle with yourself and your emotions, according to Turmaud.

"There is no shame in experiencing an anniversary reaction as your brain tries to sort through and process what that anniversary meant for you and your life," Turmaud wrote.

She suggested processing your emotions with journaling or a therapy session, rather than avoiding your feelings with distractions. If possible, stay away from the news, said Turmaud.

If you're grieving a loved-one, honor their memory

If you're one of the millions of people grieving a specific person who died during the pandemic, honoring their life in a personal way can help, according to Singer.

To do that, he suggested first asking yourself these questions:

• What legacy did my loved one leave?
• What did they mean to my life?
• What is my favorite thing about them?

Your answers will help you pinpoint actionable ways to honor that person in your daily life, according to Singer.

For example, if you admire how your late grandmother was selfless and constantly helping others, volunteer time with an organization that aligns with her values. If your uncle's cooking was the talk of the town, make his most beloved recipes to honor his memory. Sharing photos and personal memories with living loved ones can also help, according to Singer.

"Try to find meaning in your life and [think about] how you can continue to find meaning while carrying on their legacy here," he said.

Allow others to grieve as they choose

If part of your grieving involves a Zoom memorial or other virtual event, do your best to practice patience with others who are also in pain, said Singer.

"The first thing I tell any patient I have, even a colleague, is that everyone grieves differently," Singer said. "Understand that and don't pathologize people who are grieving differently than you are. Don't stigmatize that."

He recommends validating a family member's or friend's emotions, whether they appear more or less upset than you during the anniversary.

This doesn't mean you can't tend to your own emotions, or that they aren't valid. Singer suggested going to therapy or reaching out to a loved one for personal support.