- I always felt like an outsider in rural Wisconsin. I moved to California and fell in love with it.
- Living apart from my husband helps us be more intentional about the time we spend together.
I always felt like an outsider in the rural Wisconsin county I called home for most of my life. I'm a liberal-leaning, sun-loving creative who needs music, drama, and art. I never quite fit in my traditional, frequently frigid hometown.
But family matters, so my husband and I moved our young family back to Wisconsin in 2006. Since then, my husband and I have lived in separate states twice — once for him to pursue his career, and once for me to pursue mine. While it's not easy living apart, neither was living together.
For us, living apart has brought back the excitement and appreciation of the time we get to spend together.
The first time we decided to live apart
A few years after moving our family to Wisconsin, my husband was offered an amazing job in the Twin Cities, more than four hours away. Our son and daughter were ages 8 and 10 at the time. They were settled in school and surrounded by family and friends. We didn't want to upset their routines, so my husband, Eric, moved to Minnesota. The kids and I remained in rural Wisconsin.
No one questioned Eric's commitment to his family. Our living-apart
Three years later, Eric said yes to an equally great job in Wisconsin. He moved back in with the kids and me, and it was rough. It took us time to readapt to life as a family of four.
We spent the next decade under the same roof. I still hated Wisconsin winters and found solace in visiting my best friend in California. She'd moved to Wine Country, and I quickly fell in love with the area.
In 2016, I tried to persuade my family to move to California with me, but my son wanted to stay in Wisconsin and finish high school surrounded by friends and family.
So I stayed. I acted in community-theater productions and began working with the Blue Zones Project, an initiative to improve the well-being of communities. At one event, I looked straight into the eyes of a leader and said, "If there's ever a project north of San Francisco, in Wine Country, I'm your girl."
It was my turn to live away from our family
In June, barely a month after our son graduated from high school, I was asked whether I'd consider working in a project in upper Napa Valley. The woman previously hired as the engagement lead was pregnant, and Blue Zones wanted me to cover her four months of maternity leave.
My husband thought I was crazy. To leave my stable job with the company for a four-month gig 2,000-plus miles away from home? I reminded him that I'd always wanted to move to that part of the country. It's a foot in the door, I told him. If nothing else, it'll be a test-drive of California. If I hate it, I can come back.
Eric wasn't ready to join me, so I moved to California alone, and I fell even more in love with the state. I feel at home here in a way I never did in Wisconsin. I recently accepted a full-time position here, while my husband and young-adult children still live in Wisconsin.
We always get asked how we make it work. For our family, living apart infuses our relationships with excitement. We no longer experience the monotony that sets in when you're with another person all the time.
We're intentional about the time we spend together. We don't have time to take each other for granted. When my husband and I see each other, we talk, laugh, and explore.
And the most important piece is that we always know when we'll see each other again. About once a month, I go back to Wisconsin, or my husband or one of our children comes to California.
I'm now living the life I've always dreamed of.