- The following is an adapted excerpt from Dr. Shefali's book "The Parenting Map: Step-by-Step Solutions to Consciously Create the Ultimate Parent-Child Relationship."
- Shefali Tsabary is a clinical psychologist with a focus on family dynamics and personal development.
Here are some vital facts for you to remember: Our children did not make us parents. They had no choice in the matter. We made ourselves parents. It was our choice to become parents.
As you read this, you may wonder why I would think it imperative to state something so obvious. The reason is that on a subconscious level, we don't act as if this were an obvious fact. In fact, we act as if the opposite were true. We act as if we are doing our kids a favor by raising them and that they should be eternally grateful to us for having taken care of them — as if we were their saviors and creators.
Your kids don't owe you anything
So filled are we with this air of largesse that we imagine we should win a prize for selflessness for having had our children. We unconsciously embody a savior complex that says that because we bestowed on our kids the selfless favor of raising them, they should now treat us as if we were indeed, their masters. As their creators, we think it is our job and right to dictate to them and influence their lives. Then, when they don't call us on our birthdays, don't return our texts on time, or make life choices contrary to our agendas, we lose our minds.
Here are two fundamental truths you need to absolutely accept right away to enter a greater state of clarity: You didn't "create" your kids. They arrived here through biological cause and effect. And having kids was not an act of selflessness. You had them to fulfill your own self-focused purposes.
Your kids owe you nothing. Sure, they can give you respect and love, but they don't owe anything to you.
You are not their savior
As you didn't create your children, you are not their savior, the be-all and end-all of their lives. You might be thinking, "I should be treated like a savior. After all, I am expected to pay for everything when they f— it up. I'm the one who is supposed to clean up their mess and rescue them when they are stranded at a hospital or on a highway." I understand your feelings, but that is not how life works. While it sucks, this is the reality of parenting.
No one said it was fair.
You need to understand your role as a parent
Understanding your role as a parent is the key to conscious parenting. When you believe your role is to play God, even though this sounds like amazing power, it is actually the cause of great suffering for both you and your child.
Our savior complex is buried deep beneath our subconscious and isn't readily apparent. It resurfaces only when we observe our children behaving in a manner that's drastically opposed to our own ways. When we watch our children make life choices that feel horrific to us or are in dire polarity to what we think is best for them, we become highly triggered.
The reason for this reaction? Our overidentification with the role of parent and savior makes us feel that our kids should succumb to our power and influence. When they don't, we are insulted and resentful. By taking things personally, we mess up our own equilibrium and theirs. If our kids fail at life, we feel as if we have failed in some way, and we suffer tremendously. Or if they have social problems, we feel as if these are our problems to fix somehow.
Without our conscious awareness, thinking we are our children's saviors places us under tremendous pressure to "fix" them. Moreover, we feel extremely resentful when we discover that they are unfixable. And do you know how your kids feel? They suffer huge amounts of shame for having messed things all up. That's right — this is yet another unliftable burden we unconsciously place on our kids.
The truth is that one of the goals of conscious parenting is to become irrelevant for our kids. You heard me right — irrelevant.
This is an idea that our egos protest. We don't ever want to be deemed irrelevant. We want to be not just highly relevant but supreme. The truth is that we need to raise our kids to not need us — and for this to happen, we need to allow them the space to fully step into their own lives. And to allow them that space, we need to back off and stop giving them our opinions at every turn. Do you see how this process works? We cannot desire independence for our kids and yet be sent into a tizzy each time they disregard our opinion or influence. The two simply do not go together.
Shefali Tsabary, who goes by Dr. Shefali, received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University. Specializing in the integration of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy, she brings together the best of both worlds for her clients. She is an expert in family dynamics and personal development, teaching courses around the globe. She has written four books, three of which are New York Times bestsellers, including her two most acclaimed books, "The Conscious Parent" and "The Awakened Family."