Black men are expected to be not only providers, but emotional support systems too. That's tough if you're drowning in trauma, one author says.
- Women aren't the only ones with "daddy issues" — many Black men also have absent fathers.
- When facing trauma, being a good parent can be hard, but therapy can help you process emotions.
For as long as I can remember, people have been saying, "That's because she has daddy issues." It's about time that we acknowledge the fact that men have "daddy issues," too. That can be especially true for Black men.
The relationship between a father and son is one of the most important relationships any boy has. It is the foundation upon which a boy learns to first understand himself. If a father is present in those early years, it is the first model of what masculinity looks like. For a young boy, watching your father navigate your family and the world around him is like looking into a crystal ball. Unconsciously, the father represents the living embodiment of your future. He is the primary symbol of what it means to be a man.
How discrimination and trauma can prevent Black men from providing emotional support
Black fathers have a profound impact on the lives of their children. Maybe this is something you will also come to learn should you become a father in the future — or perhaps you have already become one.
Black men, including Black fathers, haven't historically been afforded a wide range of ways to show up in the world. Being a "good provider" is one culturally specific story that continues to predominate ideas about modern parenthood. These days, however, expectations are expanding. Today, more Black men declare that their value is not just their role as financial providers. More and more, you are expected to provide emotional support to family and friends. That's difficult if you're mired in grief about past discrimination and trauma.
The effect of an absent father and how to change the narrative
While some fathers were always conscious about being present in this kind of way, many Black fathers didn't have the time, space, or skills to lovingly demonstrate more relational support. If you add on the pressures of navigating multiple systems of oppression such as underemployment, mass incarceration, and financial subjugation, Black fathers of a certain time were still largely preoccupied with doing what seemed necessary for survival. Black fatherhood is a particular kind of beast for this reason. It is also a gift.
Within this context, many Black boys grew up with physically or emotionally absent fathers. This lack of warmth and presence is so easily felt, particularly in young Black boys who are trying to find and understand their place in the world. But how you can begin to formulate a deep understanding of the joys and difficulties of navigating life as a Black man if you needed more help, more conversations, and more presence from your own father?
How fathers can take action
The experiences of Black families are not monolithic. As a therapist, I have learned that regardless of how good a parent is, there is almost always a gap between what a child wanted or needed and what the parent could give. This is not an indictment of parenthood or Black fathers but more so a recognition of the complexity of the parent-child relationship.
Take some time today to identify what you felt like you were missing or needed more of from your father growing up. Consider what wounds you may be carrying and explore ways to respond to them with renewed insight. Do you need to respond to yourself with more compassion and care to heal because you missed out on that from your father? Do you need to take some small risks in sharing your feelings with a trusted friend because you find it difficult to trust others? If you have trouble coming up with ways to respond to these wounds, consider talking to a professional for more insight and guidance.
Excerpted from "Self-Care for Black Men: 100 Ways to Heal and Liberate" (Simon & Schuster, November 7, 2023). Reprinted with permission from Simon & Schuster.