- Unfortunately, being estranged from your family often comes with a stigma.
- When many people are making plans with their families, it can be especially difficult to cope.
When I tell people I don't have a relationship with my mom, most are polite and sympathetic. But some ask me questions like "How can you not see your mom?"
While I've made peace with my decision to end the relationship, dealing with questioning and judgment from other people is incredibly uncomfortable.
Researchers have estimated that 27% of American adults have an estranged family relationship, though the true number could be higher. Experiencing estrangement is difficult, and experts say it often comes with a stigma.
"People are reticent to talk about it because of the fear of criticism or judgment," Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist who wrote the book "Rules of Estrangement," said. "It's problematic because social support can provide emotional resilience. So if you're depriving yourself of that social support, you're depriving yourself of something that could really be key to your mental health and well-being."
Living with an estrangement can be especially tough around the holidays. You might feel sad about not spending time with family, but also pressure from others about reconciling the relationship, Coleman said. Answering questions about how you're spending the holidays can also stir up some difficult feelings.
Coleman and Kristina Scharp, an associate professor of communication at Rutgers University who researches family estrangement, shared some tips for handling uncomfortable conversations about your estrangement — and, on the other side, what not to say to someone you care about who's going through this.
Why is there a stigma behind family estrangement?
Ending a relationship with a family member is never easy, and it's tough for people who haven't experienced it to understand. So it makes sense that people would feel uncomfortable talking about it.
"We live in a culture that promotes the idea that a family is forever or blood is thicker than water," Scharp said. "This creates a social norm about how families should behave. Yet not all families love their members unconditionally, and not all family members have the capacity to provide support and care."
Family is also a common small-talk topic — not just around the holidays, though it can feel like it comes up more often during the season — and reasons for estrangement are usually personal, Scharp said. People may choose to keep estrangements to themselves since they're often met with negative reactions, unsolicited suggestions to reconcile relationships, and pressure to disclose information that's too personal. This makes the experience feel stigmatizing.
How to handle conversations about estrangement
Coleman said you have the right to control the narrative around topics where you feel social judgment. There are several ways to handle questions about the holidays when you're experiencing estrangement.
Keep your responses short and sweet
When someone who you don't know well or who doesn't need to know your business asks how you're spending the holidays, don't feel compelled to say much.
"Say you're busy, or your family isn't available," Coleman said.
Scharp suggested simply saying that you're not close with your family or that you have other plans, like a Friendsgiving.
Redirect the conversation
People can be nosy. Coleman suggested that if they press for details, say the situation is painful to talk about. Then turn the conversation back to the other person by asking them about their holiday plans.
"Most people are eager to talk about their own lives," he said.
Provide details only if you're comfortable
For people you're closer with who might be a source of support, Coleman recommended providing some details, as long as you're comfortable.
"It's useful for them to have a reasonable amount of information so they can understand the context that's caused you to feel what you feel and make the decisions that you've made," he said.
Educate others about how to be supportive
People who haven't dealt with estrangement usually don't know what to say. So explaining what a caring response should sound like can help, Coleman said.
"You might say, 'I just want to talk about it and get your support,' or 'I don't actually need advice or encouragement. I just want to be able to talk about it,'" he said.
What not to say to someone who mentions estrangement
On the flip side, if a friend or acquaintance mentions an estrangement, it's crucial to respond without judgment or criticism. Coleman said it's important not to say things like "I could never stop seeing my family."
"One thing people might consider after an estrangement disclosure is to refrain from immediately offering condolences or assuming the person has negative feelings about their family distance," Scharp said.
Instead, she said, ask the person how they feel and then offer support based on that response, or ask what type of support would be most helpful.
Coleman said to avoid reassuring responses or assuming the situation is fixable — or that someone wants to fix it.
When to talk to a therapist about family estrangement
Scharp said that experiencing estrangement means you have to "manage multiple uncertainties, address complex triggers, and negotiate an entire family system" — as well as deal with the stress of feeling stigmatized because of the situation.
Coleman added that it's a good idea to talk to a mental-health professional if you're feeling preoccupied or weighed down with your feelings, or if you have ongoing feelings of shame, depression, or anxiety.
"I think anyone might benefit from counseling at any point," Scharp said. "Counseling isn't only for people who feel desperate or perceive they have no other options."