- M.E. Thomas is an attorney, author, and psychopath.
- She thinks psychopathy helped her to be a better lawyer and not be affected by gendered expectations.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with M.E. Thomas, the pen-name of an attorney, ex-law professor, and author of "Confessions of a Sociopath: A Life Spent Hiding in Plain Sight." Business Insider has verified her identity and her diagnosis of anti-social personality disorder. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
Most people think being a psychopath means being violent and manipulative, but there are big differences between this stereotype and my experience as a female psychopath.
Most of this stereotype seems to come from early studies done on male psychopaths in prison — so it's not shocking that they make psychopaths seem violent and criminal. That's how they got there in the first place.
But it's not necessarily about violence. I think of personality disorders as being some disruption to the formation of a sense of self — we know this happens around the age of two, when we start differentiating ourselves from our mother figures. A really good way to think about psychopaths is that they have the emotional world of a three-year-old.
I feel like I'm really far away from my emotions, so things that should trigger me emotionally, don't. My emotions are really dulled, and my interest in others is mostly cognitive, not feeling-based. For example, I don't feel the need to get up and help my dad if he falls just because he's my dad.
People find me to be off-putting. Even if somebody doesn't dislike me, I think the most neutral assessment would be that I'm an odd duck — it's difficult to understand what I'm about, and certain things seem inconsistent about me.
If you need someone warm and emotional, I'm not a good person to go to. But if you need somebody who's cold and calculating to show up, I am. For example, my friend has this very strange relationship with the mother of her stepchildren. So when there's a kid's birthday party or something, she invites me to those things because she knows I creep her out.
I got fired for being a psychopath, but I think it makes me a better lawyer
When my book came out, I got fired from all my law professor gigs because they thought I was a threat to the students. But I think my psychopathy gives me an edge in business and law.
Law is, for the most part, persuasion. The client is paying me to persuade people to believe their side. While I don't usually manipulate in a way that people would recognize as psychopathic, I feel like my personality helps me do a good job for my client.
I have insights that would be difficult for a non-psychopath because I can read between the lines and because I have no personal integrity, so it's really easy for me to adjust and move away from any positions I've taken.
I also don't mind asking stupid questions because it doesn't hurt my ego at all, and I don't feel the need to tiptoe around people's emotions. That fearlessness alone gives me a 10% edge over other people.
I don't care about gendered expectations people have of me
Another way to think of psychopaths is that they just were not socialized, or they were like Teflon to socialization. Where females are socialized to be smaller, take up less space, and not talk back to authority figures, I never internalized any of that. I don't really have a strong sense of my gender, which is a superpower.
People are always shocked the first time they get on the phone with me. They assume, based on the emails that we exchange, that I'm male.
There is a difference between male and female psychopaths. Female psychopaths tend to be dominant more in traditionally female ways — social ways, like being Queen Bee or being emotionally manipulative and using mental games. It's very different from men, who might be physically more dominating.
Non-psychopaths could benefit from adopting these two psychopathic traits
Don't identify yourself with things that are out of your control.
People can become so wrapped up in taking offense or taking things personally that they're not part of, like world conflicts and football hooliganism.
Those things aren't you, and you can't control them. Not being swept away by a wave of something out of your control can help.
Let go of what everybody else thinks. If you're doing something because of what it looks like to others, that's not a good reason to do it.
People who interact with me for work often think I'm very chill and can handle all sorts of stress. It's because I'm not taking anything personally, and I know there's no reason to put on a show.