- After therapist Katherine Morgan Schafler was diagnosed with cancer, she examined her relationship with perfectionism.
- She classified 5 types of perfectionists based on work with her clients and her personal experience.
Therapist Katherine Morgan Schafler finally had everything just the way she wanted it.
She was happily married, had a successful therapy practice, and was working as an on-site therapist for Google. Then she was diagnosed with cancer.
Schafler said the cancer she had had a 95% treatment success rate. Still, she refused to say the c-word, and instead called her illness a "disruption." Schafler's loved ones begged her to rest, but she worried that resting meant giving up control of her perfect life.
"I didn't realize how much I was depending on control until I lost it all," Schafler told Insider.
Schafler felt victim to her own chase for perfection just like so many of her clients told her they did, so she decided to write a book about it.
In "The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control," which was released on January 17, Schafler says women often feel shame, guilt, and dissatisfaction when they aim for perfectionism, but they shouldn't. Instead, they should have self-compassion and understand why they strive for control.
Ultimately, Schafler sees a woman's drive for perfection as her attempt to feel whole in a world that often expects her to find satisfaction in minimizing herself, all while men who demand perfection are praised for their dedication.
The drive for perfection can show up in your relationships, work, and how you ideate and take action, she said. Since people apply perfectionism to different areas of life, Schafler created five "types" of female perfectionists, based on her 13 years of therapy work.
The 5 types of perfectionists
In Schafler's book, she explains the motivations for each type of perfectionists' behaviors. She shares their helpful qualities and the ones that, if left unchecked, could lead to unhealthy perfectionism. In doing so, Schafler wants women to feel understood, empowered to use their go-getting attitudes, and able to let go of shame.
Someone can be a mixture of the types, which are:
- The classic perfectionist values self-discipline, consistency, and structure, so they openly share their preferences with others and may come off as rigid or unapproachable. They act this way because they want to exude the qualities they most value, not because they need others to see them as impressive. They're detail-oriented and reliable.
- The Parisian perfectionist cares deeply about being liked by others on a surface level, since it fills their desire to please others, Schafler writes. They're deeply emotionally invested, but want their drive for connection to appear effortless as a way to protect themselves from disappointment or hurt. They offer lots of empathy to those around them.
- The procrastinator perfectionist tries to avoid feelings of loss. They have trouble starting new things, whether it's a project, dream job, or even dating, because they worry about how things will change once they do. They feel downtrodden when they see others pursuing things they want to experience, and may loathe themselves for their paralysis. They're experts at preparing, have great impulse control, and consider situations. from all angles.
- The messy perfectionist feels a thrill when starting something new, but often have trouble finishing projects. They tend to disregard real-world limitations like time and money, and favor the belief that they can do it all at once as long they lead with optimism. When they fail at something or don't finish, they blame themselves and assume it's because of a character flaw. They're full of ideas, highly adaptable, and enthusiastic, not anxious, about new starts.
- The intense perfectionist feels a need to achieve their ideal outcome, whether it's boarding a plane smoothly or reaching a self-imposed career goal. They see their vision as the ultimate one and don't care about how likable they are to others. Some may have trouble with controlling emotions like anger when things don't go as they envisioned they would. They possess razor-sharp focus and can easily be direct with others.
How to harness your perfectionism
In knowing your type or types of perfectionism (which you can find out with a quiz), Schafler said you can understand how your thinking and behavior helps you and hurts you, Schafler says.
For example, if you're a procrastinator perfectionist, you may put off something like moving to a new city. You're acutely aware that you need a shakeup in your life to grow, but when you think about taking your apartment search off the computer and into real life, you freeze up, knowing that taking action will reveal imperfections in your big dream. When a procrastinator perfectionist realizes this is where their behavior stems from, they can work to change their thinking to, "While change does involve loss, not changing involves a much deeper loss," Schafler writes.
But no matter what type of perfectionist you may be, there are some universal tools that can guide you to a healthier relationship with your drive to feel whole. To better harness your perfectionism in a way that brings you fulfillment and joy, not shame and guilt, Schafler says to practice separating your worth from your performance. She said that all perfectionists act in cycles of self-punishment where they repeat a behavior to scold themselves for "ruining" a situation.
When you start to believe you're worthy of the things you desire, like a fulfilling relationship, a completed project, or feelings of happiness, you're less likely to spiral into self-criticism when you make a mistake or experience rejection, according to Schafler.
To practice this, Schafler said to think of who you were five years ago and how much you've accomplished since then, and to celebrate your perseverance no matter where you are in your journey.
While Schafler was writing her book, for example, she bought party decorations and savored her efforts alongside her three-year-old daughter and husband. All she had was an unfinished Word document, but the celebration was enough to keep her going until the book was (almost) perfect.