As sex educators, we know open conversations can help kids lead healthy lives. Here are 20 scripts that parents can use to handle awkward talks.
- Laura Hancock and Karen Rayne, both PhDs, are sexuality educators.
- They say talking to little kids helps families prepare for tougher topics during the teen years.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Laura Hancock and Karen Rayne. It has been edited for length and clarity.
When you think about having "The Talk," you might picture your children as teens. But really, getting familiar with the birds, the bees, and bodies should start much, much earlier, said Laura Hancock and Karen Rayne, authors of "Sex Ed For the Stroller Set: How to have honest conversations with young children."
By talking about these topics early on, "you become the go-to person when the topics become more serious," Hancock said.
Have conversations early and often
Parents today want to handle sexuality better than previous generations, but they often don't know where to start, the authors say. Their advice? Have conversations early and often. Not only does this give you time to practice getting comfortable with frank conversations, but it also creates a family environment where open, sometimes awkward, talks are normalized.
While that might sound easy, it's not.
"What we're asking parents to do, it's hard," Hancock said. "We're asking you to be uncomfortable and approach this topic proactively that gives you the jitters."
That's where scripts can come in handy. Here, Rayne and Hancock —who are both mothers — share how other parents can respond to questions about bodies, reproduction, and sex from the 5-and-under crowd.
Use the right terms for anatomy
Teaching kids about anatomy educates them about their bodies and lays the foundation that will help them understand reproduction later on. Try saying:
That's your penis.
That's your vulva.
It's important to wash your hands before putting them on your vulva or vagina.
The vagina is a stretchy tube that goes from the outside the genitals (the vulva) to the uterus, which is where a baby can grow.
The vagina is like a stretchy tube. The opening to the vagina is different from the urethra (where the pee comes out) or the anus (where the poop comes out), but it's in the same area.
People with a vulva and vagina usually have a uterus. They also usually have breasts to feed the baby milk after it is born.
About every month, I get a period. This is when blood flushes out of the body. It's very normal.
Don't get caught up on sex
Often, parents are most uncomfortable talking about penile-vaginal intercourse. If you feel that way, "take a step back from that. We should be talking about a lot of other things first," Rayne said.
Here are three scripts you can use to introduce the essentials of reproduction.
Some people have eggs. Some people have sperm. A baby is made when an egg from one person gets together with the sperm of another person. They start to form a baby inside a part of the body called the uterus.
To make a baby, you need four things: an egg, sperm, a uterus for the baby to grow in, and people to help take care of the baby after it's born.
An egg is so small that we can barely see it, and sperm are so small that we can only see them if we have a special tool called a microscope. When an egg and sperm get together, they can grow bigger and bigger until a baby is ready to be born.
Talk about your child's birth story
Kids love to hear about their own births, so that's a great place to start talking about birth, Hancock and Rayne said. Tell your child their birth story from start to finish, discussing the relationship between or among the people who contributed to them coming into the world. Tell them whether they came out through the vagina, or were born via cesarean.
Here are six scripts to continue the conversation about birth:
A baby is usually born when it is squeezed out of the uterus through the vagina, which is really stretchy. Sometimes, for different reasons, the baby might need to be taken out by a doctor using surgery, where they make an incision in the abdomen above the pubic bone, then into the uterus and get it out that way. It's very safe.
When an egg and sperm first come together, they don't look like a baby. Here are some pictures of what a baby looks like as it grows in the uterus.
Before a baby is born, we sometimes call it a fetus.
After many, many months of waiting, the baby lets the uterus know that it is ready to come out. Then the uterus pushes the baby out through the vagina.
When you were born …
Eventually, you can share more detail
Once you've had some practice, it's time to share the nuts and bolts in an age-appropriate way. Hancock and Rayne recommend bringing up intercourse when your child does or by the time they're 6. Here's how:
Sperm comes out of the penis, and an egg is made deep inside in an organ called an ovary. Sometimes when adults want to, they do a thing called "having sex" or "making love" when the penis fits inside the vagina. It might sound a little strange, but it feels good to the grown-ups — and it's only something adults do.
When lots of little sperm come out of the penis and are waiting in the fallopian tube, sometimes an egg comes out of the ovary, and sometimes the egg lets in one of those sperm. Together, they start to grow into a baby.
There are different ways that an egg and sperm can get together. You know how eggs come from a person with a vagina, uterus, and ovaries, and sperm comes from a person with penis and scrotum and testicles? Well, one of the most common ways a baby is made is when a penis and vagina fit together. Two people can decide they want to do that together because it feels good. Then, if an egg is traveling from the ovaries and sperm travels from testicles, the egg and sperm can meet up. Does that make sense?
Not all babies are made that way. Sometimes, a doctor takes the sperm from one person and an egg from another person and then puts them in the uterus to grow. Sometimes, the sperm and the egg meet in other ways.
There are also other ways egg and sperm can get together. Do you want to talk about those?
By having these conversations, you're showing your kids it's OK to talk about sexuality and reproduction. If the conversations make you blush, remember your family values and your desire to have an open relationship with your children as they grow.
"Keeping that long-term goal in mind is critical when we're asking parents to be uncomfortable now," Hancock said.