- I realized I had gender dysphoria when I saw my brother try on one of my old T-shirts.
- I quickly grew envious of my cisgender brother's body and his ability to wear whatever he wanted.
I'm trans and nonbinary, which means I exist outside the realms of the gender binary; I identify as neither male nor female.
I've always felt this way — even before I knew there was a word to describe what I felt. When I was 4, I told my grandpa I was a boy. I, of course, didn't know the terms transgender or nonbinary, but I did know I wasn't a girl.
But with high school and the pressure to be "normal," I didn't let myself think about gender until after I graduated from college. I was terrified by the idea of not being cisgender. Would my family accept me? Would people I went to high school with see me online and talk about me behind my back?
By comparison, my younger brother by three years has always been so sure of himself. He's super smart, empathetic, and just overall a very kind person. I eventually realized I envied not only his intelligence but also his body.
Because I grappled with gender dysphoria throughout most of my life, I can now see I was often envious of my brother and his privilege of being cisgender and male.
The first time I realized I was experiencing gender dysphoria was when I saw my brother try on one of my old T-shirts
When I was 18 years old, I went into my brother's room and asked him whether he wanted one of my old T-shirts from my college, San Diego State University. The shirt never fit me the way I wanted it to.
When he put that shirt on, I realized it fit him just the way I wished it would fit me. It hugged his shoulders and fell flat over his chest. At that moment, every thought I had ever had about my body and my gender came together to form a complete realization: "I won't be happy until I have a chest like his."
I always had severe gender dysphoria with my breasts. They always made me feel uncomfortable and gross — just not like myself.
Though I kept it to myself, I grew so envious of my brother
He was my best friend, but he effortlessly had something that I so desperately wished I could have.
He didn't have to wear two sports bras to flatten his chest, and he didn't have to then see what was underneath at the end of the day. He didn't have to endure back pain from hunching over to further hide the mass on his chest.
I was also bitter that his privilege let him be shirtless when swimming. He could also wear clothes that were designed for his body and have them fit so well without even trying.
I was envious that my brother looked exactly how I always felt I was supposed to.
I felt guilty for feeling this anger toward him because I knew it wasn't his fault that he was born cisgender. But that's what gender dysphoria does to you; it poisons your mind.
I finally got top surgery in March 2021, but sometimes that envy still pops up
My family was accepting of me as I came into my transness; my mother took care of me post-top surgery, and I FaceTimed with my brother and dad every other day to update them on my healing.
As I continue to grow within my trans identity, my family learns alongside me. But there are some moments when there's a disconnect, and that's when I find myself envious of my brother all over again.
For example, there was a time when we were all visiting my extended family. Over after-dinner cocktails, the whole family debated the usage of pronouns. To them, it's all in fun, but as the only out trans person in the family, I feel stinging. They don't realize the weight this discussion has on my mental health. This is my lived experience they're talking about.
In moments like this, I'm envious that my brother doesn't have to deal with the pain — and downright awkwardness — of having his identity be the subject of a dinner debate.
But before I let myself spiral, my brother was the one to end the conversation. He used the opportunity to educate my family, explaining to them that these debates were not hypothetical. He explained they're hurting someone they love.
Though it was a complicated start, my brother was the root of my gender-identity journey, and I'm so grateful to have him along for the ride.