As a gender specialist, this is how I recommend parents talk to kids about gender identity

• As a gender specialist, I work with gender-nonconforming youth and their parents.
• I want caregivers to feel confident talking to kids about gender and answering their questions.

As a gender specialist, parents and caregivers often come to me because they are scared of saying or doing the wrong thing when confronted with questions they don't know how to answer.

Parents and caregivers will often assume that because their child is not demonstrating any gender diversity — a diversity of expression beyond the binary framework of gender — they won't have to be prepared to discuss it. Often, kids have questions not about themselves but about their caregivers, people they see, or friends at school.

With the right tools and resources, adults can feel confident talking to kids about gender, knowing they have at least some answers. Here's what I tell them about how to prepare for these conversations.

Learn the lingo

It's easy to get overwhelmed when we feel like we don't understand. Learning the terminology of gender will make it much easier to communicate.

It's also important to pay close attention to the things you've been socialized to say, like "man up," "boys don't cry," "be more ladylike," and "you throw like a girl." Kids are listening and learning from us all the time.

Normalize the use of "they" pronouns by introducing them just as kids are taught "he" and "she." Try to use gender-neutral terms like "friends," "guests," and "everyone," instead of "boys and girls."

Remember, it's OK if you slip up. Know that you do not have to have all the answers, and you can be honest with your child when you don't know something. You can always communicate that you love and affirm people regardless of how they identify or express themselves.

Get curious together

Rather than fixating on the risk of confusing kids, we need to get curious about our relationship to the gender binary and where our deeply ingrained beliefs come from.

Kyl Myers is a sociologist, educator, and globally recognized advocate of gender-creative parenting who, in an "Allyship is a Verb" podcast interview, said they wished people would ask questions like, "What can I be doing for children in my life to make sure they are growing up to celebrate the diversity of humans," or, "What's something that I could start doing today that could help me paint this world more inclusive and equitable for kids?"

I suggest to parents that instead of being stuck in the binary, they should encourage opportunities to experiment and explore. Dress-up, pretend play, and allowing opportunities for play with gender-typed and gender-neutral toys are great ways to start. Researchers have found that neutral or moderately gender-typed toys foster optimal development because they tend to promote more types of cognitive, academic, spatial, physical, musical, and artistic skills. Alternatively, gender-typed toys can be a wonderful opportunity for gender exploration and are an essential part of the development process for all children.

Teach kids that gender is a spectrum. There are boys, girls, people who are both, and people who are neither.

You can show them that activities, toys, clothes, and jobs don't have genders. Tell them stories and introduce them to people that open their minds instead of narrowing them.

Understanding gender is a journey, not a destination

Let go of the idea that you will be able to address these topics all at once. Talks about gender and sexuality should be ongoing topics of conversation in the home. These don't have to be sit-down serious conversations but can be brief commentary or a response to things you see and experience together.

As your child gets older, these conversations can evolve in an age-appropriate way. Make it clear to your kids from an early age that your family values, and the communities you are a part of, are inclusive and affirming.

Remind your kid that you love them regardless of their age, gender, or sexual orientation. By having these conversations, you can support your child and help you both become healthier and happier.

Rebecca Minor, MSW, LICSW, is a queer Jewish clinician and part-time faculty member at Boston University specializing in the intersection of trauma, gender, and sexuality. As a gender specialist, Minor partners with trans and gender-nonconforming youth through their journeys and is a guide to their parents in affirming them. She also offers coaching for parents of LGBTQ youth and an online class, called How to Talk to Kids About Gender: Essentials for Parents & Caregivers, to help folks have conversations that matter.