Science- My dad's death was expected, but I was still very sad when he died.
- What I did not expect while grieving was to be horny all the time.
"I've got new panties! And my dad's dead!" I yelled into a microphone on stage at a comedy show just two days after my dad died.
His death was expected. In fact, it was wanted. He was wasting away in bed after a diagnosis of rapid dementia. By the time he died, he had forgotten how to eat and rarely opened his eyes. While I knew it was coming, I was still very sad to learn that he was gone.
The following weeks proved to be a very strange start to a grieving process I had never expected.
I was horny. Turned on. Thirsty, as the kids would say. And I couldn't understand it. I felt wrong and gross. This was not an appropriate response to someone I loved dying. Or was it?
I started to wonder if this was normal
I was in Los Angeles, performing a month of shows, when I learned of my dad dying. I had no family around. My college roommate, who I was staying with at the time, was at work, so I couldn't even hug another human when I got the call. And I had been single for 10 months, which meant there was no man of my own around, either. Not even some random I could reach out to in this unfamiliar time. I kept finding myself looking for someone.
I've read a few studies on grief that say that some people have an increased sex drive when their spouse passes away, but this was my dad. The notion of wanting sex after losing a parent seemed completely insane. But, I started to wonder: Was I looking to connect because the relationship I had with my father wasn't great? Was this a response to the relationships I cultivated in my life due to the fractured one with my father? Why was this loss impacting me in this way? And more importantly, is this normal?
I wasn't necessarily a horny person before this
At 41 years old, my previous relationship with sex had been stagnant. I would go months without having sex or even thinking about it. If the thought did arise, it was always at an inopportune time when there was no way to get that need met. So, I pretty much ignored it. Cut myself off sexually. I almost prided myself on how long I could go without sex. Needless to say, this new-found urge was completely unexpected.
I decided to stay in LA and continue my shows. Comedy has always been my therapy, a way to connect. And I was feeling alone. But, the things I found myself doing in response felt out of my control. My level of thirst could only be explained by this new feeling of emptiness, I just wanted to connect with someone. Well, with a man. A big, strong man. Being a tall woman has limited my options when it comes to love, sex, and, most importantly, cuddles. My ex was 6'5'' and was the best at holding me and making me feel small. It's what I desperately wanted.
Night after night on this journey, I'd find myself taking pictures of my backside in public bathrooms, hoping to find someone to share them with. I had new panties that exposed a large portion of my undercarriage, and I just needed someone to see it. If the bathroom was a single stall with good lighting, I came alive with anticipation of what the lewd photos could be. Good lighting, on this brown skin with a glint in my eyes? Come and get me.
I wanted to feel something else besides sadness
Not only was I looking for that feeling of being small, but I was also deeply trying to feel something that wasn't just being sad. I plastered these feelings across my Instagram stories, hoping to catch the eye and possibly the pity of someone. My desperation and craving for connection had me on the verge of losing my mind. I had been drinking every night at my comedy shows with friends and getting as much contact from men as possible in the form of hugs. I would walk up to the ones I knew and say, "My dad just died, and I need male attention. Can you hug me?"
As time passed, the sexual urge subsided. I suddenly found no one attractive. I never fulfilled that urge that shook me to my core for a few weeks. I couldn't even get aroused enough to pleasure myself. It's as if I've been slingshotted back into who I was before. Alone again. Trying to sort out the feelings of emptiness and isolation.
After saying a final goodbye to my dad, I feel more clear. I am looking forward to more positive and meaningful sexual encounters. I now have more confidence in myself and, hopefully, a better relationship with sex.