- When I dated women, I thought my relationships would have better communication and mutual respect.
- I learned that behaviors related to toxic masculinity could appear in any relationship.
When I started dating women, I believed some misconceptions about women-loving-women, or WLW, relationships, including that dating a woman would mean stronger communication, mutual respect, and less objectification. I thought I'd be safe from the toxic dynamics I'd experienced in my relationships with men. I was wrong.
I was disappointed when I experienced these behaviors from my new partners
Toxic masculinity is a set of behaviors often exhibited by men and masc people that glorify dominance and strength, often to the detriment of others or those who display them. These behaviors can include objectification, sexual coercion, emotional detachment, aggression, physical and emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, intimidation, and fear-mongering. They aren't exclusively perpetuated by men, nor are all traditionally masculine behaviors inherently harmful.
"Toxic masculinity is a set of behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs that promote aggression, control, and domination in relationships," Ann Russo, a lesbian psychotherapist, said. She added that even though people often think of it occurring in heterosexual relationships, it can also occur in lesbian relationships.
I've dated women who demonstrated manipulation, gaslighting, and controlling behaviors. But I hadn't been prepared to experience this dynamic outside of my relationships with men.
Unhealthy relationship dynamics can harm partners' mental health
Controlling dynamics in romantic relationships can affect a partner's well-being, Russo said. "When one partner exerts control over the other partner to establish power in the relationship through emotional manipulation, gaslighting, or physical violence, it can lead to feelings of fear, helplessness, and powerlessness. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental-health issues," Russo said.
Jenny, a pansexual hair stylist, said her first girlfriend would control what she wore and who she spent time with and make her sleep while on a Skype video. She said this made her feel insecure, depressed, and isolated from her friends and family.
"She'd say she was suicidal when we'd fight in the car and take her hands off the wheel, close her eyes, and say she doesn't want to live anymore," Jenny said. She added that her ex also once dragged her down the stairs after she saw Jenny dancing with a friend.
I've also experienced traits in queer women that felt reminiscent of toxic masculinity. A girlfriend would often objectify me in public, mirroring some of the worst experiences I've had in my relationships with men.
Last year, after a conversation about how important consent is to me and my history of sexual assault, a masc woman pushed me against a wall and kissed me; I hadn't given her consent to do so. When I told her I wasn't interested in dating her, she said she'd decided to kiss me while she had the chance, further erasing my bodily autonomy.
Russo speculated that "masc queer women may feel more pressure to conform to traditional masculine ideals."
Setting boundaries and seeking help
In my relationships with women, I've found that toxic masculinity can manifest through the internalization of patriarchal gender norms, creating harmful power imbalances.
Russo said that developing a relationship free of toxic masculinity or other unhealthy dynamics requires partners to discuss and respect each other's boundaries.
"Establishing boundaries is crucial in any relationship," Russo said. "They serve as guidelines that define what is acceptable and respectful behavior." To set clear boundaries, communicate your needs, expectations, and limits to your partner.
Seeking help and support is vital. Russo stressed the importance of speaking with an experienced therapist who can provide valuable assistance tailored to your situation. "They can help you navigate the challenges of setting boundaries, breaking free from toxic patterns, and creating healthier relationship dynamics," Russo said.
But she added that setting boundaries may not change the behavior of a partner who isn't receptive and that breaking a toxic cycle may require reevaluating the relationship. Your safety is the priority.