Science- After a difficult breakup, I started prioritizing myself.
- As I started doing things on my own, I decided that I would stay single and celibate.
I could feel that the end was near with my girlfriend, but I did not want to believe it.
Neither of us wanted to accept that we'd kept the semblance of a spark alive out of comfort and convenience. Still, staying together didn't mean I felt close to her.
One day, we went swimming to free dive, which is something we both love to do. She posted a picture of her truck with a heart emoji on the way there. It would've been innocent enough, but in that moment, it piled on my heart as another instance where I was excluded from her social media.
I tried not to care, but as she refrained from posting about me during the holiday season, my birthday, and New Year's, I felt that the space I took up in her life was dwindling.
But now, as I was swimming alongside her in the depths of the ocean, I thought that I couldn't keep doing this. The person who used to be my life vest was now drowning me. I thought that I couldn't keep accepting a love that isn't working as hard as I am. This is not the partner I deserve.
I knew it was only a matter of time, and yet I couldn't get myself to utter the words. Ironically, she had, in various ways, tried to end the relationship. I was crazy enough to decline, as if breaking up was an invitation.
But later that day, I finally did the honors.
I was devastated after the breakup but then I prioritized myself
But sooner rather than later, it reawakened the power and independence I'd forgotten I had. While it may have seemed like my world was falling apart, I knew that I could put the broken pieces of myself back together into an even more magnificent version.
First, the breakup diet expedited getting into the best shape of my life — I had an insurmountable amount of adrenaline that had me rollerblading easily over 100 miles a week. Also, I finally went platinum and got extensions to really bring out the Mother of Dragons energy.
Internally, I embarked on a journey of self-reflection and spent time doing the things we loved, alone. I went diving in the ocean by myself. I took myself on dates and ordered exactly what I wanted. I took a road trip as a hot single dog mom. I went on many hikes through the forest and danced to the tune of the rustling leaves. I made new friends and bonded with old ones. All the love that I had allocated for this person only grew and expanded in all directions.
I went from overwatering one plant to creating a garden full of love.
I also decided to remain celibate
I learned the hard way not to entertain lustful encounters. After love, nothing compares. No matter how attractive someone may look or act, being in love is a different frequency for me. Acting on the instinct to fill a void just left me feeling even more drained and well below empty.
After that realization, I was very open about my healing journey and honoring my personal space. That's when I decided I would remain celibate — no dating, no intimacy, and platonic relationships only. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I was unavailable for anything that was not supporting me.
I get lonely sometimes, but I remind myself that I have a great support system of friends and family.
Two years later, I feel better than ever before
Recently, I was hopping off a plane in Colombia to meet my best friend for an adventure. I suddenly thought about my ex, and I acknowledged that I would never stop caring for her, but I regained the freedom to prioritize my happiness.
I am whole enough with myself that I do not need anyone, nor do I want or crave to be anything other than overflowing with power, confidence, and pure bliss for being unapologetically myself.