- As a New Yorker in her 20s, Sarah Levy's work hard, play hard life seemed relatively normal.
- But her drinking almost always led to blackouts, and she struggled to drink in moderation.
Throughout her 20s, Sarah Levy fancied herself a fun, sophisticated New Yorker — one who ordered dirty vodka martinis with extra olives on dates and at work functions; celebrated "Bachelor Mondays" with wine, sushi, and girlfriends; and sweated away her indulgences at SoulCycle and hot yoga.
"At 28, I looked like I had it all together," Levy, now in her 30s, writes in her memoir, "Drinking Games," which came out January 3.
But in reality, Levy was quietly falling apart. Her alcohol-related blackouts became more frequent, her anxiety and shame became more consuming, and her attempts to moderate her cocktail consumption consistently fell flat.
Now over five years sober, Levy says her new life is full of love, creativity, and excitement — but it took her recognizing she had a drinking problem to get there. Here are three signs that, in retrospect, her relationship with alcohol was unhealthy.
1. Blacking out when drinking was Levy's default setting
When Levy went to her first real house party in high school, she chugged a cup of vodka to impress a crush and forgot the rest of the night. (She later learned she'd drunk more, thrown up for hours, and arrived home shoe-less.)
Throughout college and in her 20s, blackout became her brain's "default setting" when drinking, a doctor later told her.
Blackouts occur when blood alcohol content rises quickly, causing the part of the brain that stores memories to shut down. They often happen when people are binge drinking, or drinking large amounts of alcohol in a short timespan.
Blackouts allow the drinker to continue functioning in the present, but rob them of those memories in the future. For Levy, that meant sometimes waking up in a stranger's bed or even in the ER, with no recollection of what had landed her there.
"A switch would flip off in my brain, leaving my body to fend for itself alone in the dark," Levy, an LA-based writer published in outlets including the New York Times and The Cut, writes in her memoir.
While blacking out isn't a direct sign of alcohol use disorder, it can be an indicator of early addiction, according to American Addiction Centers.
2. What happened when Levy drank was unpredictable
Sometimes, Levy drank four glasses of wine and felt OK, physically and emotionally, the next day. Other times, she'd have half a cocktail before dissolving into tears.
Once, she planned to meet a friend for coffee after brunch, but wound up in the hospital stained with Bloody Mary vomit instead.
Another time, she'd intended to impress her boss by holding her liquor at a dinner party, but wound up waking up in his friend's bed with a hazy recollection of a nightclub and a two-day hangover.
Continuing to drink despite the physical, social, work, or relationship problems it has caused is one sign of alcohol use disorder.
"I wanted to believe I had control over the way my brain and body processed alcohol," Levy writes, "but the truth was I never had any idea what would happen once I started to drink."
3. Levy's attempts at rules and moderation didn't work
Levy tried to control her drinking with rules like "no more than three drinks a night," "no shots," and "no drinking on an empty stomach."
"But as soon as that first drink hit my system," she writes, "all bets were off."
That's not a failing of Levy's. Drinking alcohol results in a dopamine rush, followed by a crash, which many drinkers take as a cue to drink more in an attempt to restore the original high.
All the while, booze dulls the decision-making part of your brain. "The very thing you are moderating actually steals your ability to moderate," alcohol coach and author Annie Grace writes on her site.
But Levy noticed that her friends didn't seem to have the same problem with moderation. During "Bachelor" viewing parties on Mondays, for instance, she noticed most others drank zero to two glasses of wine while she fixated on what was left in their cups.
"Once I fully accepted that I simply couldn't drink safely, I felt an incredible amount of relief," she writes. "I didn't have to work harder to be 'better' at drinking. I could just not drink."
If you or a loved one might be struggling with alcohol use, bring up your symptoms with your doctor or call SAMHSA's Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357), a free, confidential, 24/7 treatment referral and information service for individuals and families facing substance use disorders.