A woman who has been solo polyamorous for a decade shares 5 lessons she's learned after surviving 10 breakups

• Jaclyn Foglio, 38, has been non-monogamous since she was 21, and has dated many people.
• Over the years, she's had 10 big breakups, so has learned plenty about how to deal with them.

As a solo polyamorous woman, Jaclyn Foglio has been through more breakups than most.

The 38-year-old hospice social worker who lives in Denver, Colorado, is solo polyamorous — meaning she has multiple relationships but no main partner. Her approach to relationships has changed over the last 17 years. She hasn't identified as monogamous since she was 21, and in that time she has gone from being in open relationships to being fully polyamorous, settling on the label of solo polyamorous in 2013.

In that time, she has been through 10 significant breakups, she told Business Insider.

Along the way, she's learned plenty of lessons about herself and how to cope with heartbreak.

But it's all worth it to live authentically and love lots of people, Foglio said.

"For me, it's about independence. I like not feeling like I have to ask permission for anything, and I can make my own decisions. I also love not putting all my eggs in one basket, and not expecting everything from one person — just being able to enjoy people for different reasons," she said.

Foglio shared the lessons she's learned about break-ups with Business Insider.

You don't have to say everything on your mind for 'closure'

One of the biggest things Foglio has learned about breakups is that you don't necessarily need closure and that you don't need to tell your ex-partner everything on your mind.

She said she has learned to disengage and stop arguing with ex-partners because it isn't productive. Instead, she turns to things like journaling, venting to friends, or even dancing it out, to deal with her emotions.

Connection isn't always enough to stay in a relationship

Just because you have a strong connection with someone, doesn't mean you should stay with them if there are issues that the other person isn't willing to work on, Foglio has learned.

"You don't want to sacrifice your own wellbeing to try to hang on to this little thread of positive that's left," she said.

You can leave a relationship over 'minor' problems

Foglio fits her relationships around what works for her rather than any expectations of commitment, so she knows she can end them over things that might seem "dumb and minor" on the surface but that don't feel right deep down.

She doesn't "try to squeeze herself into boxes that she doesn't fit in," and has learned to "listen to her gut" when something doesn't feel right, rather than ignoring it in order to stay in a relationship.

For example, she had to try really hard to make a monogamous relationship work, and felt like she was "broken" when it didn't. She realized the monogamy was actually the problem, not her.

She has many people who support her

Having multiple partners means that Foglio has had some "really good support" when it comes to break-ups, because her previous exes help her through the heartbreak.

She said it feels healthier to rely on lots of people, whether friends or other partners, rather than just one person. This means that if she does break up with someone, she doesn't lose her only source of emotional support.

"A lot of my friendships are just as deep and important to me as some of my romantic partnerships," she said.

Having multiple relationships doesn't mean she's magically strong

But, Foglio said, just because she has plenty of people to turn to doesn't mean that the breakup hurts any less.

Also, different partners might fulfill different roles in a solo polyamorous person's life, so by breaking up with someone, they might be losing their main source of physical affection, or emotional support, for example — just like in a monogamous breakup.

"Check in with polyamorous people and take their relationships seriously," she said.