A therapist's advice on emotional cheating as a dealbreaker — and when it means you should end a marriage
- Use your time alone to understand what you need to rebuild trust and connection with your wife, a therapist advises.
- It's possible to fall back in love, but it requires mutual interest and consistent effort.
Dear Julia,
My wife of six years recently started an emotional affair with a man from work. They message all of the time, have lunch together, and have even gone out to dinner together.
She told me that she was very unhappy in our relationship, as we were both not giving each other what we needed and there was a lot of distance between the two of us. She said she fell out of love with me.
Despite all of this, she doesn't want to get divorced. She said this man is not "worth" losing our marriage over, and that she wants to fix things. But she won't stop talking to and seeing him.
My wife says I fulfill other roles in her life, like best friend and partner, but I don't give her the excitement and thrill that this other man provides.
We're currently taking space from each other, but I don't know if, or when, to call it quits. How should I proceed in this situation?
-San Antonio
Dear San Antonio,
I'm sorry you're going through this uncertain time in your marriage.
It's normal to feel betrayed, less confident, or fearful of the future after learning of a partner's affair, whether emotional or physical, so I hope you have loved ones supporting you as you take some time to yourself.
As you make sense of what happened and how you want to proceed with your marriage, it's important to understand if you and your wife share the same values, therapist Tracy Dagleish, the author of the book "I Didn't Sign Up for This," told me.
She said that couples can start anew following an affair, but their success depends on their individual abilities to reflect on their actions, take personal accountability, and commit to changing certain behaviors or ways of thinking that could be straining your marriage.
Every relationship is unique, but generally, those who value committing to healthy relationships will show interest in making changes to improve their connection with their partner, Dagleish said.
She suggested thinking about how you could be more intentional in your marriage, and then finding time to connect with your wife to see if your views align.
How to decide if you want to save your marriage
It sounds like you want to make a choice: Whether to stay and try to improve your marriage, or whether to separate from your wife permanently.
To do that, Dagleish suggested asking yourself, "What actually matters to me right now, and who do I want to be in the years coming forward?" to better understand if you really want to commit to rebuilding your marriage.
Once you understand your own values better, find a calm time to sit down with your wife to understand how she envisions your relationship in the coming years, Dagleish said.
Based on what you've shared with me so far, it seems that you and your wife both know why she emotionally cheated. So, instead of focusing on the why, you and your wife should discuss whether you can both commit to creating a marriage that you both want wholeheartedly, Dagleish said.
A couples therapist could be an invaluable resource here, since they're trained to help you be vulnerable about your needs and come up with a plan for supporting yourself and your spouse. For example, a therapist could help your wife understand the types of excitement she craves in your marriage while helping you find ways to create that thrill. A therapist could also help you understand what you need to trust your wife again, and how your wife can help rebuild that trust.
Consider what you may need from your wife to move forward
For this strategy to work, both you and your wife must agree to commit to rebuilding trust and communication in your marriage, according to Dagleish.
And if you need your wife to stop connecting with her coworker for that to be possible for you, tell her that, Dagleish said.
Being honest about this need can feel scary and hard, since it could mean hearing that your wife doesn't want to commit in the ways that you need. But that doesn't mean you're unworthy of commitment or should settle for less.
Use small moments to fall back in love as husband and wife
If you both decide to try and repair your marriage, there are ways to rekindle the spark that you once had.
According to Dagleish, communicating honestly and creating small daily moments of connection, like holding hands or listening to a podcast together, can reignite a couple's bond if they've found themselves drifting apart emotionally or physically.
"We fall out of love when we stop being intentional with our partner, when we stop dating them," Dagleish told me.
She said that luxurious getaways and fancy dinners don't make love endure. Rather, love endures through small but powerful daily actions, like genuinely listening to a partner's concerns when they mention them, or prioritizing a bit of flirty chitchat, even after a long day of work.
"There are these micro-moments in your relationship that offer you this chance to turn towards each other and to build connection," Dagleish said.
Create a timeline to stay accountable to your goals – and yourself
To make sure you're staying true to what you need, Dagleish said you should keep a written record of your relationship values and goals. Then, create a timeline for enacting helpful changes in your marriage, whatever you and your wife decide those things will look like.
She said that everyone's timeline will be different, but it should be reasonable. Expecting a complete shift in your marriage in three weeks will likely set you up for disappointment, Dagleish said. But it's also important you don't make a too long of a timeline that leads you to regret waiting for a certain change to happen.
According to Dagleish, we can't expect to change our partners; but we can uphold our own expectations for what we deserve in a mutually loving and trusting relationship.
Sometimes that means rewriting your story together, and other times that means starting a new story all on your own.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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