- Dr. Talal Alsaleem is a psychologist who created a 7-step method for couples dealing with infidelity.
- He told Insider he developed it after years of working with frustrated couples who wanted an actionable plan.
Couples therapist and psychologist Talal Alsaleem thinks that cheating is the best worst thing that can happen to partners.
Talal told Insider he's always loved the "complexity" of working with couples in conflict.
For 15 years, he's worked with partners whose relationships are on the brink of collapse. Noticing many grow frustrated with rehashing their painful pasts during traditional talk therapy, Alsaleem said he crafted a step-by-step method so couples have actionable steps to heal. He outlined his method, called Systematic Affair Recovery Therapy (SART), in his 2017 book "Infidelity: The Complete Guide on How to Heal from Affairs."
Alsaleem's method doesn't have a set timeline, and he said he's worked with couples who recover in six months to up to two and a half years.
There's no standardized clinical treatment for helping couples heal after an affair. The Gottmans, two therapists who have studied relationships for more than 20 years, suggest the cheater disclose all of the events that led up to the affair and ensued during it. Other therapists say full disclosure can lead the cheating victim to lash out at the cheater, causing more harm to an already fractured relationship.
In Alsaleem's course, the cheater is tasked with sharing what they did, but only after reflecting on their own feelings about their actions and why they acted that way. As they do this, the betrayed person has to accept that knowing the full "truth" of the affair, or hearing every detail of it, will not be enough to rebuild trust.
From there, both partners can decide what to do next, Alsaleem told Insider. Couples who work with him have the choice to end their relationship during the SART process, which Alsaleen says is essential.
"I wanted to address some of the glaring gaps in general treatment methods other therapists had been using. I wanted to make sure we have comprehensive treatment methods that help clients navigate those challenges," Alsaleem told Insider.
Talal's 7-step guide to healing from an affair
1. Set the stage for healing.
When couples come to Alsaleem, he often sees they've already made avoidable mistakes that could hinder their treatment plan.
"Somebody discovers infidelity, then they tell all of their friends and family members, put it on Facebook, and now they have to deal with public opinion weighing in on their recovery journey," Alsaleem told Insider. Other times, they bring in the outside party involved in the affair, or parents navigating infidelity involve their children.
All of these extra perspectives and emotions can hinder a couple from moving forward, so Alsaleem starts by helping them identify the right support systems.
2. Understand the narrative of infidelity.
According to Alsaleem, this is the most important step in his process.
During early sessions with couples, he encourages the betrayed partner to ask questions about the affair while he acts as a referee, he said. If they ask for unnecessary details, like a play-by-play of a specific meetup, Alsaleem reminds them that those details don't serve a constructive purpose. Knowing the frequency of meetups and their nature, like emotional or sexual, could be constructive, Alsaleem said.
Once all of the important details are shared, each partner, has to decide if they want to repair their relationship or not, Alsaleem said.
They can't make an accurate decision if they don't know "what they're dealing with," or if there's proof their problems can be fixable, so transparency at this stage is essential, he said.
3. Acknowledge the impact of infidelity.
This step focuses on the cheater showing they understand the impact of their actions, Alsaleem said.
He said that some cheaters have trouble feeling guilt and taking responsibility for the hurt they caused. That can make true healing impossible for some because the affair victim will feel unseen and be unable to rebuild trust with the cheater, he said.
"Because why would you want to rebuild with somebody who doesn't understand cause and effect, or somebody who does understand cause and effect, but they don't have the emotional experience that you expect of them?"
Alsaleem helps cheaters access and process difficult emotions like shame so they can learn accountability, he said.
4. Choose a path of recovery.
At this point in Alsaleem's program, partners should have enough information about how and why the affair happened to decide if they want to heal with their partner, or part ways and heal alone, he said.
To help couples determine this, he gives each partner a three-part assessment about their relationship history prior to infidelity, how they've both handled acknowledging and accepting the infidelity, and the type of infidelity and how it happened.
For the third part, Alsaleem said there's no correct answer. "It's just based on each individual and their value system," he said.
5. Create a plan of action.
If a couple decides to stay together, Alsaleem helps them create steps to build a relationship that satisfies them both. It's based on each individual couple and the goals they pick together, like feeling emotionally connected through quality time or feeling less suspicious of the cheating partner when they spend time apart.
Alsaleem said he helps couples set realistic goals and ways to measure them so they can gauge their success over time.
If they decide to separate, the plan will include finding a way to amicably part ways and untangle each other's lives. Unless the partners are co-parents, Alsaleem suggests they cut off contact, which he says makes moving on easier.
6. Implement the plan and heal.
Once the partners agree on a plan, Alsaleem makes sure they follow it. He said that some couples ditch their action plan after a few weeks, which sets back their overall healing.
To prevent this, Alsaleem teaches couples to communicate with each other when they struggle with their plan, including weekly check-ins with each other. He also suggests they go to individual therapy throughout this period, since the trauma of an affair can impact a person's overall health, he wrote in his book.
7. Sustain the work.
Finally, Alsaleem helps couples figure out their baseline of relationship satisfaction, which can differ depending on the context of the affair and what each partner needs to keep moving forward.
For example, if the betrayed person needs to feel less suspicious of their partner to have baseline satisfaction, Alsaleem helps them make a scale to quantify the frequency of those feelings and set realistic goals. Never feeling suspicious is just as unrealistic as feeling suspicious 9 times out of 10, he said in his book.
Once they agree upon this baseline, they should have brief daily check-ins and weekly or biweekly talks where they discuss how their relationship is going, according to Alsaleem.
He compared an affair to a heart attack, saying that it can be a life-altering moment that makes someone realize they need to change their habits. The further they get from that scary and life-altering moment, whether an affair or a heart attack, the less important maintaining new healthy habits becomes, Alsaleem said.
"We have to help them protect this new, healthy baseline of the relationship that they have worked at so that we make sure that we are not ignoring any red flags and going back to relapse."