A therapist offers advice to a woman who's dating loop involves ignoring flaws and then fixating on them until a breakup
- It's normal to see more of your partner's flaw when you exit the honeymoon stage, but that doesn't necessarily mean you should end things.
- Understand your past relationship wounds and your potential fears about being alone to break out of the flaw-fixation-to-breakup loop.
Dear Julia,
When I go on dates, I never really feel attracted to the other person. But I still choose to keep seeing that person because they have some good qualities and there's no obvious reason why I shouldn't see them.
But when we hit the two- to three-year mark, I start to fixate on my partner's flaws until I can no longer continue in the relationship. At this rate, I worry that I'll end up a lonely old lady.
Why do I act this way? Do I need some sort of therapy to stop this behavior so I don't end up alone?
- Australia
Dear Australia,
It takes a lot of self-awareness to notice your own relationship patterns, and even more bravery to admit you might need to change them to live the life you want. I'm proud of you for doing that, Australia.
Your relationship pattern isn't set in stone, and learning more about yourself can help you move past the hangups you mentioned, Gayane Aramayan, a Los Angeles-based therapist who works with singles and couples, told me. According to Aramayan, working to understand your past relationship wounds, plus your motivations for being in a relationship now, can help you create healthier and more sustainable connections.
Aramayan said that she often notices her clients will have a "honeymoon" stage of their relationship where they focus on all of the amazing things about their partner because of the rush of feel-good chemicals a new relationship spurs. But as time passes and hormones like oxytocin and vasopressin start to level out in your body, it can feel like you're seeing certain parts of your partner, like their flaws, for the first time.
According to Aramayan, the honeymoon phase usually ends after a year, but one 2015 study suggests that the love-dovey period can last up to two and a half years. Regardless of when the honeymoon phase ends, it doesn't mean that you should ditch the relationship, Aramayan said.
Instead, she suggested digging deeper into your reactions to a partner's particular "flaws."
Your partner's 'flaws' could be reminders of past hurt from someone else
Aramayan said that a lot of the time, our negative reactions to a partner's actions or words have nothing to do with them. Rather, we're reacting to unresolved events from our past, when our partner's behavior subconsciously reminds us of that pain or trauma.
"We all have different triggers and wounds, so I might react to something because it's a an open wound for me. But you might not react to it the same way because it's not a wound for you," Aramayan told me.
If, for example, you grew up often feeling unheard by your parents because they cut you off while you were speaking, you could have a strong emotional reaction to a partner cutting you off during a conversation.
Learning how your past is still affecting you today can help you realize when your partner's "flaw" is actually a trigger for a past wound, not a sign you're incompatible, said Aramayan.
So, as you continue to get to know yourself in relationships, try to take it a step further than naming your partner's flaws. When you fixate on one, challenge yourself to pay attention to how that flaw makes you feel, Aramayan suggested. Then, share those feelings with your partner so you can come up with a solution together. Sometimes, all it takes is feeling heard, Aramayan said.
She said that most people aren't taught how to handle negative emotions that come up because of their partners, so they hide their true feelings until they pile up and feel like they have to exit the relationship. But learning to face conflict with a partner head-on can create more trust and connection long-term, so it's worth the uncomfortable feelings.
If, however, the flaws you mentioned are things like name-calling, yelling, or physical violence, it means your partner is being abusive, which is never OK and you should leave the relationship if you can safely, or contact the Domestic Violence Hotline.
Ask yourself why you want a relationship
You also mentioned that you never feel attracted to the people you date, but you recognize their goodness so you keep things going.
Attraction doesn't have to be the instant fireworks mainstream entertainment suggests it should be. But if you're dating from a place of fear, rather than a place of security and excitement, you could be overlooking major incompatibilities until you're a year or two into a committed relationship, Aramayan said.
That's why she suggested seeing a therapist, or taking time to journal or chat with a friend, about your values and true motivations for dating. If you want a lasting relationship that includes the values that are important to you — like stability, humor, family, pleasure, learning, or something else — you have to know what yours are, then date with the intention of finding someone who aligns with some of those values, Aramayan told me.
If you're unsure what your values are, she suggested searching for an online list of values (there are tons, like this one) and then narrowing it down to 20, then 10, then a solid three to five values.
"Once you get through that elimination process and really focus on your top values, it makes it easier to approach a lot of life decisions and relationships," Aramyan said. "When you have a choice to make or need clarity, ask yourself, if it's in alignment with your values. And if it's not, what can you do to improve it?"
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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