A therapist offers advice to a woman who has feelings for her best girlfriend
- Navigating unfamiliar attractions can feel scary. You don't have to act right away, therapist Rae McDaniel said.
- McDaniel said sitting with your emotions and reflecting on the nature of your friendship can help you decide what to do.
- You can't get rid of your feelings, but you can use them to know yourself better.
Dear Julia,
I have this weird feeling that I want to be more than a friend to my best friend.
We're both girls, but I don't know for sure if I am attracted to girls. I don't get butterflies or sexual feelings, but thinking about her keeps me up at night. It's more like a heartache, although she hasn't broken my heart, at least not yet.
What is this feeling I'm dealing with and how do I get rid of it?
- Amsterdam
Dear Amsterdam,
When comes to emotions, I tend to feel mine deeply. Sometimes, I feel desperate to escape their intensity, especially when I can't pinpoint what caused my anger, sadness, or fear.
But I'm learning that there's no escaping emotions. The more I try to escape them, the worse I feel. The only way out of tough emotions, in my experience, is really feeling them. The tough part is doing so without judging myself, or assigning too much meaning to a particular feeling.
To answer your question, I spoke with Rae McDaniel, a therapist who specializes in gender and sexuality. McDaniel is also the author of the upcoming book "Gender Magic."
According to McDaniel, it's common to feel confused by same-gender attraction, especially if you first experience it with a friend. Though it can feel disorienting, experiencing attraction outside of your assumed "type" is normal and something you should feel free to be curious about, McDaniel said.
But since society often conditions us to fear same-gender attraction, it can be hard to stop racing thoughts like "What does this say about me?" or "What will people think of me?"
If you find yourself in one of these thought spirals, like you alluded to with your sleepless nights, the first step is to breath, McDaniel said.
"Here's the thing about sexual orientation: It is a label and labels are only useful when we apply them to ourselves," McDaniel told me. They said that individuals could choose to change their labels throughout life, and that labels have nothing to do with who you're currently dating, how you look, or how you feel in a particular situation. Rather, labels are about naming what resonates with you at any given point.
So, instead of focusing on what your thoughts and feeling could mean about your sexuality and the future of your friendship, consider if you feel comfortable being honest with your friend, McDaniel said.
It's OK to sit with complex feelings before taking action
You may want to jump into action and come clean to your friend to "fix" your unfamiliar feelings. I know that tends to be my first instinct. But you shouldn't pressure yourself to act right away, McDaniel said.
"It's not an emergency, right? Just because you have a strong feeling for someone does not mean you have to say something to them today, tomorrow, or next week," McDaniel told me.
Instead, McDaniel suggested you spend time alone. You could go for walks or journal to process your emotions. They also said you could talk with a close friend or therapist, if you have access to one.
"Give yourself time to actually feel the feelings, work through them on your own, and listen to your own gut," McDaniel said.
During this time, consider how this particular friendship feels to you and how it compares to other relationships you have. According to McDaniel, it's possible you and your friend have an intimate connection you haven't experienced in other relationships. They said that intimacy doesn't always come with sexual or romantic feelings, but it can make relationships feel intense if you're not used to a certain level of emotional closeness.
After you take time to more closely examine your feelings and where they're coming from, consider if and how you should approach your friend. McDaniel said it's important to think about whether your friend is the type that can handle an honest conversation about your feelings, since not everyone has that capacity.
Ask yourself if you and your friend have a strong enough bond to stay connected, regardless of the outcome of this potential talk. Are you able to accept the possibility of your friendship changing if you share your feelings? Or, would you rather avoid that risk and keep your feelings to yourself?
You have more than one way forward, Amsterdam, but no matter which path you choose, you will learn and grow. To me, that's the beauty of your predicament.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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